1. We are seperated but living together, he is sleeping on the couch. He wanted to leave the house but I am concerned about the children, they still remember the first time we seperated and occasionally discuss how much it hurt them. I asked him to stay and he at first reluctantly agreed but now is happy to. Should I keep him at home or in the interests of speeding this along ask him to leave in order to LRT more effectively?
I find that most LBSs, and especially LBWs, that want to do IHS for the "kids" are actually doing it deep down for themselves. Be honest with yourself about this. Are you really wanting him there for the kids or for you? Also, doing things for the sake of the kids is rarely the best thing to do. Right now what your kids are being taught about relationships is that it is okay for married people to be cold, distant and sleep separately. Oh except when they want some nookie. As my favorite bald Texan TV psychologist says: "Kids would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home."
Asking him to leave would send a strong message that you aren't settling for half a husband.
Originally Posted by Michka
2. Should i continue to sleep with him? He has made it clear that his attraction is purely physical and nothing else. We are very compatible sexually. I have read on the forums here for a WAH that sexual/physical attraction is important. But I am not sure if he is cake eating or if I am being a doormat. Sex was an issue pre BD as I was always too tired when he initiated it. I am not feeling the same now as I have had some health issues rectified.
So this guy gets to act and behave anyway he wants, act like a single guy....but then come get into your bed and have his way with your body? THIS IS CAKE EATING. Completely and totally. It sounds like deep down (be honest) that you are using sex to try to get him to recommit. Your brain says you know it is just sex and physical, but deep down your heart thinks that a way to a man's heart is through sex.
This is up to you, but you have to decide if you want him in 100%, in 50% or not at all. Because what he is doing irght now is living a single life with the benefits of being married. That is a man's dream! But it will not get you to reconciliation.
Originally Posted by Michka
3. He is only minimally contributing to household chores/taking care of the children. However, he does keep telling me if i want to do something or take out some time to myself that he is more than happy to take the kids. Should i take him up on his offer and insist we have a plan for the week so we both do our fair share? This was an area of conflict pre BD as I felt he wasn't contributing equally. My motivation for doing this is so I can GAL more effectively and in the interests of showing him how much worse off he is as this will eat into his current bachelor style life he is leading.
So he has free child care, a maid, and a sex slave. (See my point above about a man's dream!)
Get a childcare plan in in place. Stop doing his laundry. Let him be on his own for meals. Stop the sex. Take away his cake. When he gets angry, upset, belligerent, etc, calmly tell him that you refuse to be in a MR with someone with one foot in and one foot out.
Originally Posted by Michka
4. Finances. He is a spender and I am saver and this has been an issue since we first met. My savings and assets have been used for us to be in the position we are currently in. However, i am concerned because should he leave the home, I will not be able to afford running the household expenses on my own. Should i request we create a budget ( we tried to pre BD however he never committed to it). Again, my motivation in doing so is to show him how much worse off we all would be should we actually divorce.
Drop that last reason. The reason that you get a financial plan is place it to protect yourself and your kids. If you get a D, he will be on the hook for support for a long time. He knows this. This is exactly why a lot of WAHs in particular drag their feet on D. Have you talked to a lawyer? I would highly suggest talking to one. You can usually get a free consult, but regardless there are legalities to all of this and you need a legal expert.
Originally Posted by Michka
5. Mental health. He was never formally diagnosed but I have long believed he suffered from depression or some sort of issue. His current behaviour aligns with the descriptions on here of having a MLC. Lost weight, has a fitness regime, better dressed, was going to buy a new car, all about enjoying the now and getting out there and having fun. I don't think he is having an affair but again who knows? Does my thoughts on this change my approach or is LRT and GALing enough.
No this changes do nothing you should be doing. MLC, new outlook on life, new woman in his life, your goal is the same: prepare for the worst (hope for the best), GAL, 180 (get yourself into IC, you have no control over him but you do over you!), and work on detachment! You need to get to a place emotionally where nothing he says or does causes you to have an emotional reaction. It take time and effort to get there.
Originally Posted by Michka
6. Finally I am taking the approach of the less said the better, I am not arguing with him or engaging with him in conflict. When things get "testy" between us because he is one of his moods I deny any face to face contact until he stops. he can only TM at those times. That seems to be working. However, I am concerned that he is misusing business funds and has twice now deliberately sold some cryptocurrency we had despite me asking him not to. Do i leave this for now? How do I go setting boundaries with him? Should I be setting boundaries or should I simply be standing back, detaching and worrying about myself? I have read some posts on here and I am confused. I have sort out legal advice regarding the business as it is in both of our names but my lawyer assured me that anything he does will only impact him.
Get a lawyer. Financial concerns are legal concerns. Don't get advice, get representation (see my comments above). Oh so you have a lawyer, good. Assume you are going to D, and make sure you are legally covered.
Michka, I can tell that you desperately want to save this. He knows that. Your best path forward is to embrace that you two are splitting up and act accordingly. Everything you are doing is to save the MR, and he sees that. He has you right where he wants you. Desperation is as attractive as pig rolling in the mire. Stop being deperate and start moving forward. He will either move with you, or he won't, you have no control over that.
Sorry you are dealing with all of this, but your best path forward is to stop trying to save the MR. Read this post:
Take all your focus off of him and put it onto you.
Steve,
Thank you for your post. It both resonated with me and confused me.
1. If he leaves, it will really impact the children and unless we are actually divorcing its simply something I am not willing to do. Yes, I want to reconcile, its why I am here. I truly believe that if he was to leave currently, it would probably be the fastest way to reconcile, especially based off what you are saying. But at what cost? I am not going to put my children through this unless its actually happening, if that makes sense. Right now is not ideal for them, but I see it as being the lesser of two evils.
2. Sex - surprisingly he has requested to back off. It makes him feel guilty and confused apparently, I have happily withdrawn from this. BUT i am confused by the advice I have received around it. MWD has on some posts encouraged sex while seperated and previous to BD I guess you would define the marriage as SSM. Not sure how to define it then... is it cake eating? or would you consider this to be a 180?
3. Domestic Duties - I did nothing for him except the sex. He did his own laundry, meals and makes breakfast for the family (toast and coffee) and this was his main contribution. I have raised this with him and he has agreed to a schedule of duties to divide the housework more evenly. Would this be considered taking his cake? He has thus far (two days worth) been sticking to it.
4. Finances - we are splitting finances for now, I will see how this goes. I also told him I will be getting a part time job (sat only) on top of my current full time job. He was very taken aback by this.
5. Getting better at detaching. I have also been actively planning my house renovations which is why I need the second job. This is something which I am very excited about and have told him he isn't part of it. Told him (earlier) that since he is leaving he has no say. He keeps wanting to get involved but I am standing my ground.
6. I am legally covered. Seperating our finances will also help me stress less about all this.
SteveLH,
I do want to reconcile. I do want it all. He also knows this is true. I have, however, been acting "as if" I will comply easily with this request to divorce but have stated to him that I wont lift a finger to do anything about it. He is has not done anything either.
Desperate is not the word I would use to describe how I appear in front of him. He likes to use the word "hard a$$" when I have a challenge as I dont like to give up.
Thank you again for your time and insight into my stitch.
