My DB journey thus far

[may22]

Saw my name and thought I'd contribute--

First, totally agree with CW and Steve that there is zero point to MC unless both parties have the same goal in mind. Waste of time if she wants to box-check on her way to feeling good about a D or breadcrumbing you while continuing to cake-eat plus it has the added side benefits (depending on your therapist) of sidetracking DBing if you spill your guts in session.

Discernment therapy could help if you are at a $hit or get off the pot stage. If you aren't ready to end limbo, no matter which direction, I wouldn't recommend it. But if you are ready and want to move the needle-- and do it thoughtfully and collaboratively-- discernment therapy could be a good fit. Basically it is a short term (I think usually no longer than six weeks) set of conversations with a therapist aimed at deciding whether to stay in the M, end it, or stay in limbo. I think sometimes these are held with a mix of joint and individual sessions, though in my case they were all joint. The therapist started and ended each session with the set goal of exploring where each of us were on those three choices. For me, pretty quickly the status quo was out-- it was the one thing I wasn't okay with, then I ranked working on the M and ending the M, in that order, as my two options. For my H, he really would have preferred to stay in the status quo (AKA cake eating) and the therapist kept reminding him that option was off the table because we both had to agree to it. Also, as CW says, my H kept on veering into complaints about our R and the MC kept reminding him-- this is really more appropriate for MC instead of DC, so park it until/unless we are ready to work on the M. I think having a trained third party keep the conversation on track was helpful for us. I believe that traditionally if you decide to work on the M, you agree to MC for a set amount of time and then to reevaluate after that point.

Now, my H still relapsed twice after deciding in DC to end his A, and I don't honestly know if DC was really all that helpful for him, but COVID also got in the way of continuing MC and I guess there is a chance that he would not have relapsed if we were still in MC. Who knows. But I still appreciated the DC process because it helped me to clarify my own boundaries and begin to enforce them. In your situation with no OM and the two year mark coming up, it could be a mediated way to decide how to move forward.