It sounds like you married a bad boy (abuse, gambling, alcohol, drug-user) and expected him to change. I’m kinda with Scout that it’s probably be better for you and the kids to find a healthy partner and limit his custody/involvement with the children to 50% or less if his behavior and local laws allow for it.
If you read my other replies, I feel that I did not articulate them well. Not quite the bad boy and I have never been concerned with his ability to father or his relationship with his children.
Originally Posted by Michka
I was fuming to say the least, the lying, the carelessness with the business funds, it was such a betrayal to me. I felt a little broken after it to be honest and told him if anything major was to happen or we fell into the same path I would just leave. I asked him to do whatever he thought he could/would be willing to do in order to restore my trust in him.
You took it very personally that a man addicted to gambling.. gambled. I think part of your work—reconciling or not—will be accepting who he is. A scorpion stings, as Aesop’s fable tells us, even if he doesn’t want to. I’ve known people more or less happily married to a gambler or an a alcoholic. I think if you want a successful relationship, he can’t feel you’re going to treat it as a personal betrayal and/or leave every time he slips. He will slip up.
This is something which I am slowly starting to appreciate. If and I know its a big if, we stay together, I may have to accept this. I guess the problem for me is I have huge issues with it having had a family member suicide from gambling as well as my father being the "spender" in my parents relationship. Financial security is important to me.
Four whammies (abuse, alcohol, gambling, drugs) seems like too many for a partner. Abuse alone is too many. From a “good of the kids” perspective, I suspect they’d be better off growing up with the story “We left your father because he was an abusive drunk” than “I kept an abusive drunk in your life so you could have both parents.” If you divorce, and work on yourself, you may even be able to show them healthy step-parents.
He has never been drunk in front of the kids ( he would generally get drunk outside of the house, come home and we would fight. But this has only occured once since 2018), nor has been anything less than a great dad. Not perfect, but I have never been concerned about it. Our issues have always been between us and they have for the most part been shielded from this.
Originally Posted by Mitchka
Should i continue to sleep with him?
The easiest question—if you’re enjoying it, and no expectations, why not? Play safe if you’re unsure about OW. It’s okay to sleep with the bad boy (or crazy sexy lady). Just don’t bring them home.
I have been, to be honest it has taken him by surprise and I think has greatly contributed to the pleasentness between us.
Originally Posted by Mitchka
I am taking the approach of the less said the better
This is usually true. Words fueled by feelings, words they already know, words that apply pressure are usually best unsaid. “Hi!” is okay!
Its been SO hard for me but the benefits occured almost instantly so I have been greatly motivated to continue.
Originally Posted by Mitchka
am concerned that he is misusing business funds and has twice now deliberately sold some cryptocurrency we had despite me asking him not to. Do i leave this for now? I have sort out legal advice regarding the business as it is in both of our names but my lawyer assured me that anything he does will only impact him.
Boundaries should protect you, NOT try to control him. If you’re unsure about the lawyers opinion in terms of assets, ethics requirements, or business evaluation seek a second official opinion. Sometimes people talk to a friend whose specialty is different and that’s not enough. Consider also getting an accountant to assess your assets to ensure you aren’t missing other funds. The laws in my state in the US are likely very different than where you are so I completely defer to local legal/financial pros.
I think this is best definition of what a boundary is. I have spoken to our accountant (she is my friend so I have her support. My lawyer does specialise in businesses so I am happy with his advice and I have contacted the banks to ensure no large withdrawals can take place without my permission.
