1. Should I keep him at home or in the interests of speeding this along ask him to leave in order to LRT more effectively?
I would consider which one is better for the children? Is his physical presence still providing some kind of normalcy to the family, or is his presence at home generating more negativity in the house?
Initially yes it was generating more negatively but my detachment and insistence he sort himself out as well as his concerns for the kids (I think) sorted this out. It has been three weeks now of very "good" behaviour. If he or I have had a concern (bear in mind it has only been related to household matters or the children, I am refusing any discussion of our R) it has been done very well I feel.
2. Should i continue to sleep with him?
No, especially you already suspect that he's cake-eating and you're feeling like you could be a doormat. Not sleeping with him would give you more clarity emotionally as well.
I am taking this on a day by day basis. It seems for him it has actually bought him much closer to me. It was an issue pre BD as I had a low desire? for it. This was because of my health issues and just life in general. He did tell me at BD that the rejection was a huge issue for him.
3. Should i take him up on his offer and insist we have a plan for the week so we both do our fair share? [/quote] Yes. trust his actions not his words.
I spoke to him regarding this and will implement a weekly schedule. We designed one together, its just awaiting being typed up and stuck on the fridge.
Originally Posted by Michka
4. Should i request we create a budget ( we tried to pre BD however he never committed to it). Again, my motivation in doing so is to show him how much worse off we all would be should we actually divorce.
I don't think he sounds like a man who would care about having a budget. I think you should open an account of your own and start saving for yourself in case something happens down the line.
I am also in the process of obtaining a second job. He was not happy that I am doing this but financial security is very important to me.
Originally Posted by Michka
5. Does my thoughts on this change my approach or is LRT and GALing enough.
You can't diagnose him, so yes it really is - who knows?? You control what you can - yourself.
This i have been really trying to do. I feel much better for it and I think he has responded positively to it at this stage. I am glad we are not fighting (although very aware that is because i have been very strict with my interactions with him and not engaging with him)
6. Do i leave this for now? How do I go setting boundaries with him? Should I be setting boundaries or should I simply be standing back, detaching and worrying about myself? I have read some posts on here and I am confused. I have sort out legal advice regarding the business as it is in both of our names but my lawyer assured me that anything he does will only impact him. [/quote] Boundaries would be for yourself. Ex: "If you lie to me about money again, I will file for divorce." Again, you can't control his behavior. Take a good look at your finances and make sure you're protected.
I have contacted the banks, my lawyer and our accountant. Except for the business earnings, I am covered.
and I also agree with scout. What about this man is keeping you in this M? What makes him loveable? Don't you agree that you deserve better? I'm sorry that you are here......but it is a long journey and it starts with discovering yourself.
I think I wrote the post focusing on the worst of him. This is not me defending him but rather, having read over it now and seeing peoples responses I may not have been as fair in my post as I should have been.
The issues he has with his abusiveness have been resolved. It was never physical or sexual. It was mainly him trying to control me and fights would ensue because I never allowed it. This only really started when we had kids. He did have anger issues pre engagement/marriage but he did seek help and that wasn't completely resolved until our first seperation. I think in hindsight we/he did not get the right support or advice from counsellors we saw. It wasnt until we seperated that we saw an amazing counsellor that he developed a great rapport with and she was able to support us throughout the process in a way that really helped.
The alcohol (other than that xmas party, he has not been drunk nor has it caused an issue for us since 2018 when we first seperated. This is the first time gambling has been an issue in nearly ten years.
I appreciate upon reading it again, that it seems like I am in a terrible situation but I have always felt that it was able to be fixed. However this time around I am very conscious of what I can and cannot do. trying to detach has really helped.
