It’s pretty frustrating when trying to deal with a MLCer. It takes a certain view and focus to not expect an answer or non-answer to queries. Having hope for a positive answer and outcome is fine. Don’t expect it. For it will lead to resentment, which is a perfectly justified and normal emotional response, and one that doesn’t serve you. Perhaps a shift from trying to deal with XH, to dealing with the situation regarding the house (and XH).
MLCers are driven by emotions and depression. Many things are simply put off until later; the whole running behaviour is just that, putting off deal with their troubles. And when deep in depression, one doesn’t feel like doing much. Their minds are all over the map, being dragged back in time to their trauma(s). And yes, they do play the “I don’t get it” game as well. That is easier than facing the consequences for what they’ve done. Typical running. Delay, avoid, and so on.
Continue to reach out to CH. Try Offer email solutions to him and let him decide to agree or not.
Meanwhile, you can and do control you. Deal with the house situation. XH is benign a big duck right now. (Lol. There is another letter right next to the “d” on the keyboard) You have financing figured out, and want to go forward. If XH won’t play along, proceed without him. Legal counsel will provide recourse to this difficult situation. It might be as simple as a certified letter from a lawyer. Legal documents, the written word, is powerful. Seeing your legal intent in writing, coupled with the documented assertion of the fact the XH is blocking with his inaction, all on a lawyer’s letterhead, might just snap XH into moving in the right direction.
It is a tricky path dealing with a person in crisis. They are not thinking nor behaving rationally. The most expedient route is when they feel like they want to do that particular action; when they feel it is their idea. That takes going at things not head-on more of a sideways approach. Perhaps the house co-ownership is holding XH back from something he wants to do. Yet, he will remain stubbornly unaware of that and therefore not helpfully go forward. He needs a reason, his reason, to progress.
Unfortunately we seldom know what our spouse is truly feeling. And their feelings change all the time. XH hasn’t seen his daughter since April 2020, almost an entire year. That is a mind twisting dumbfounding bewilderment of behaviour that we just would not do. That highlights who you are currently dealing with. Not evil. XH is a lost soul.
Previous attempts to reach him have had limited success. The efforts to illustrate how this would provide for D4 have had similar success. Pear it way down and appeal to him.
Hi XH. I wish to purchase the house for $xxx. Where can I send the funds?
If he has any financial desires, that is a nice big lure. Once hooked he will feel the need to proceed, would contact you, and will look after the legal paperwork since he wants too.
This is not manipulating. You are simply stating your wish to purchase the house. Nothing else.
While doing that, look into your other avenues to accomplish your goal of sole ownership. Your future and success does not ride on XH’s actions or inactions. You control you. And you can still be compassionate and kind throughout - so no worries.
Just some thoughts on a Saturday morning. Hopefully they help.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
