I have been reading and reading this over and over trying to get a sense of what to do.
Here's my story.
Me (F 38) and Husband (M40) have been together 10 years married 8 years. (Children S7, S6 and S1.5years) Live in Sydney, Australia
We have had a troubling time since the start as a result of his abusive and controlling nature as well as his gambling and alcohol abuse. He attended therapy before we became engaged and I thought for the most part his issues were over. His gambling was one of the conditions I put on him that it would stop after I discovered he had gambled nearly 10k before we were engaged.
While we were married , when we fought he would frequently tell me he wanted out and finally I saved him the trouble and said I was going to leave. This was our first seperation. (2018)
Without realising it I was LRT and GAL'ing and he realised he did want to work on us and did everything he needed.I was reluctant but he put in the work I thought and for the sake of our children (two at that stage) I wanted to at least try. He went to IC, Abuse Group Therapy, stopped drinking and gambling. We attended MC for a year and we finally felt that everything was good. We became more committed to our faith, we had our third child, purchased a house, his business was doing well and for the most part we were happy together.
I did feel our "troubles" were creeping back this last 12 months.(2020) I guess this was bought on by Covid, his business, just the state of the world in general. I wanted to go to MC as a sort of check in but life just got in the way. We would make an appointment but had to cancel because kids were sick, covid19 meant the next appointment was delayed etc etc
Finally one day (Nov, 2020) I checked an account we had that we keep for business purposes and discovered he was gambling. I wasn't snooping on him I was actually checking my payments that I had organised and accidently discovered it. I had told him after our first seperation that I would'nt try again, I felt a little broken after it to be honest and told him if anything major was to happen or we fell into the same path I would just leave. So I really didnt know what to do as I found out about it in front of him. I asked that we discuss it after the children went to bed that evening.
I was fuming to say the least, the lying, the carelessness with the business funds, it was such a betrayal to me.
We had a fight about it, he seemed both sorry and not sorry for what he did. I think it was more he was sorry I found out rather than anything else. However he promised he would stop. I asked him to do whatever he thought he could/would be willing to do in order to restore my trust in him. He said he would try but nothing came of it.
Come December and a Xmas lunch party he attended for work become an all night event fuelled by drugs and alcohol. I was really upset as he was supposed to come home after the party to help me put together a video for his parents anniversary party that was to take place the next day. He apparently did not appreciate that I asked him to come home at a certain time and that set him off.
We fought and argued over the next two months about our marriage as he revealed to me his does not love me anymore.
I wasnt so much upset at that as more his unwillingness to work on our marriage. He agree to MC and then disagreed and agreed and we were on this roller coaster for a while until he decided mid Jan he was done.
Since then I have been trying to actively implement the LRT. I feel I have not been consistent however.
He has been like a roller coaster of emotions. Angry, mean, happy, excited. He is living life like a single man at the moment. I suspect he is using some of the business cash payments to fund his current lifestyle because he is not touching our joint account. Our children have picked up on this and are upset with him for not being around as much and getting angry with them.
After his last episode I told him the children are our only priority and I refuse to do anything to do with the D or even consider anything regarding our S until he calms the F@#$ down.
He now is behaving much better around us all. He even went so far as to tell me he is still very sexually attracted to me. I decided to take advantage of this and have slept with him twice in a week. But I am unsure whether this was wise or not.
I want to Reconcile. I am not discussing anything with him regarding this and each time he wants to discuss our current stitch I either refuse or simply hear him out, say ok and leave the room. But he is aware I do not want this seperation/divorce.
Here are my questions
1. We are seperated but living together, he is sleeping on the couch. He wanted to leave the house but I am concerned about the children, they still remember the first time we seperated and occasionally discuss how much it hurt them. I asked him to stay and he at first reluctantly agreed but now is happy to. Should I keep him at home or in the interests of speeding this along ask him to leave in order to LRT more effectively?
2. Should i continue to sleep with him? He has made it clear that his attraction is purely physical and nothing else. We are very compatible sexually. I have read on the forums here for a WAH that sexual/physical attraction is important. But I am not sure if he is cake eating or if I am being a doormat. Sex was an issue pre BD as I was always too tired when he initiated it. I am not feeling the same now as I have had some health issues rectified.
3. He is only minimally contributing to household chores/taking care of the children. However, he does keep telling me if i want to do something or take out some time to myself that he is more than happy to take the kids. Should i take him up on his offer and insist we have a plan for the week so we both do our fair share? This was an area of conflict pre BD as I felt he wasn't contributing equally. My motivation for doing this is so I can GAL more effectively and in the interests of showing him how much worse off he is as this will eat into his current bachelor style life he is leading.
4. Finances. He is a spender and I am saver and this has been an issue since we first met. My savings and assets have been used for us to be in the position we are currently in. However, i am concerned because should he leave the home, I will not be able to afford running the household expenses on my own. Should i request we create a budget ( we tried to pre BD however he never committed to it). Again, my motivation in doing so is to show him how much worse off we all would be should we actually divorce.
5. Mental health. He was never formally diagnosed but I have long believed he suffered from depression or some sort of issue. His current behaviour aligns with the descriptions on here of having a MLC. Lost weight, has a fitness regime, better dressed, was going to buy a new car, all about enjoying the now and getting out there and having fun. I don't think he is having an affair but again who knows? Does my thoughts on this change my approach or is LRT and GALing enough.
6. Finally I am taking the approach of the less said the better, I am not arguing with him or engaging with him in conflict. When things get "testy" between us because he is one of his moods I deny any face to face contact until he stops. he can only TM at those times. That seems to be working. However, I am concerned that he is misusing business funds and has twice now deliberately sold some cryptocurrency we had despite me asking him not to. Do i leave this for now? How do I go setting boundaries with him? Should I be setting boundaries or should I simply be standing back, detaching and worrying about myself? I have read some posts on here and I am confused. I have sort out legal advice regarding the business as it is in both of our names but my lawyer assured me that anything he does will only impact him.
Thank you all, really looking forward to your thoughts and advice.
