Still taking it a day at a time (2)

[may22]

Hi guys! Been a few weeks so thought I'd update and respond.

Things are going... pretty well, actually. His parents were just here visiting for a couple of weeks and it went fairly well. Two weeks is a loooong time to have anyone in your house (IMHO) especially when the guests are older and very set in their ways, and we all barely left the house since H and I are WFH and his parents don't really like to get out all that much. We've had a lot of rain too. We did all go to a beach house for a few days (kids were on spring break) which was lovely, and H tried really really hard to not provoke his father, since their relationship has been pretty strained over the past few years. (FIL has been watching a lot of Fox News, shall we say.) By the end we did have a bit of strain but the nice thing was instead of the tension making H and me blow up at each other, we were able to be a team and talk each other down when things got tense. Veeeery different from the past several years. MIL is still also quite angry with H for his A-- she talked to both of us individually a couple of times. House back to being very quiet which is nice.

In terms of H's remorse/behavior, there are a few new things happening. One, I had told him that I needed to hear that he was sorry and he loved me not just once but enough so that I believed it. (I also want to hear that AP is a sorry POS and he can't believe he ever thought he had feelings for her, but I don't think we're quite there yet and I'm trying not to push it.) The last couple of weeks, he now comes up to me daily, hugs me, and says he loves me and is sorry. If I get triggered or sad, he puts his hand on my arm or leg and says he's sorry instead of immediately getting upset that I'm upset. (If I can't let it go and get pissy, he will eventually get pissy back and say I'm ruining everything, so it isn't like this is all roses. But TBH the authentic apology does really help me and I'm much more able to not turn to anger in these moments, I think partially because of this.)

He also has brought up MC a number of times. Our old IC finally got her insurance straightened out, so we decided to see her as a couple for a few times to see how that goes, and if it doesn't work to find another MC. We talked it over (it was his idea as neither of us think it is healthy for us both to see her individually any longer, and I also truly don't think she's a great IC for him as he needs less of a validator/echo chamber and more someone who will push him gently in the areas where he wants to make change), and he went ahead and talked with her and made all the arrangements. I do feel ready for this step. I said to him that one thing I wanted to do from the beginning (especially as we both know her well in the IC capacity but not as an MC) was to set some goals together for what we wanted to accomplish, and he immediately agreed. He has said to me over and over when I'm getting upset -- May, we want the same thing. It just really struck me in that moment how far we've come because the first time we started to see an MC (when he wanted to check the box on the way to D) he'd refused to set the same goal of a better M with me-- he kept saying he didn't think we should take anything off the table, including D. That blew my mind and totally upset me through the entire 9 months or so we saw her, though of course at that time I had no idea he was having an affair and in hindsight it all makes so much sense. So while it hurts somewhat to think back and realize all the gaslighting that was going on at that time, it also does really strike me how very different he is right now than he was then. And, some of you might remember that early on in this R process I'd said one of the things I was looking for (WMD's short term goals!) was him doing the legwork to get us set up with MC. So checking that box feels positive.

Re-reading my last thread and my hangups on the humility and remorse flowing through every interaction... we aren't there. But there is definitely more there than there was, and I'm also less focused on it (maybe because it is no longer glaringly absent). I have more hope in M2.0 now than I did three weeks ago. Baby steps but there does seem to be value, at least for me, in taking stock a little less frequently so that change is more apparent-- Elbereth, just as you suggested. I think for me consistently remembering to focus on the present and take a longer view helps. I really tried to take your advice to not worry about it till I was ready to take stock and I think that really helped me too, so thank you.

OG-- that part about them going through something so wonderful that no one understands cracked me up. It is so sad and funny. It used to drive me insane. It still does a bit, even though he is off that script these days. I'm thinking of you and hope you keep updating!

POMMY! I hope you keep updating too. Would love to hear more of your insights on my sitch especially given all the parallels! My H isn't saying that AP is a nut job (though I'm not sure he'd tell me when he does since I've probably made too big a deal of it) so I don't know that he's out of the fog in the same way. And maybe he won't ever be, who knows. I hope so, though. I have a hard time imagining M2.0 and a fulfilling sex and romantic life with H without a very firm belief on his part that AP was a mistake and not all that great of a person. (Why is this so important to me? IDK. Maybe it won't be in the future. But it feels that way right now.) H is also less of a sharer these days, we don't talk about the A or AP much at all. I think he deeply regrets saying a lot of the filterless stuff he said during the A. He has said that he had a different goal back then--he wanted me to want to D him--and that I need to understand that lens when remembering all the cr@p he said about her to me. It was less that he really felt like that so much as he wanted to hurt me and push me away. Which is horrible and cruel, of course. But it did happen and neither of us can erase it.

Job front-- I am one of three finalists for this position but am not feeling especially optimistic, but also pretty zen about the whole thing. Like if it happens, great, and if not, it wasn't meant to be. I'm glad I put myself out there regardless.

Love to you all,
May