One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

I’ve read somewhere before that forgiveness is really just acceptance.

This is also for SteveLW...Quote from Google: "You forgive someone for you, not for the other person. The other person may have no idea or may not care what has happened so it often doesn't affect them at all. So this is why you do it for you and you alone. Acceptance is more accepting the fact that it happened." To me both of these seem to be acceptance from my point of view. ha!

The story about the doctor and the patients, is really just being empathetic. Seeing things through other’s eyes. I’m getting pretty good at it. I’ve tried, but I can’t for the life of me see the actions of STBXW in any kind of positive light though.

OnlyBent’s post reminded me of a change management course I took. One of the tools is to look at things from the other side; much like the doctor’s story. As strange as it is, there are positives on both sides of every story; and yes negatives as well. My W running off and abandoning her own four children and taking on OM’s boy as her own, in front of her own children - recall the car accident OM’s son had and how XW was so upset as she was telling her own children how she almost lost a child.

XW’s actions are positive, she became a terrible Mom. Abandoning her children’s lives is one of the best things she could actually do. Perhaps, somewhere, hidden within herself is J, and some weird subconscious pressure/feeling lead her to take that action. Or perhaps not. Or it is just a nice bedtime story I tell myself. Lol. Point is - I have feedback of my viewpoint, my forgiving and empathic view. My kids are doing great! That is a positive, which would be less likely if XW had fought over them or with them. And that would be very much something the lost/past J would have given her life for - her children. (Which she kind of did.)

Now, that doesn’t absolve her of all the actions and choices she made. Life is very tangled and nothing is simple nor straightforward. Empathy requires setting aside one’s ego and being ok with not really knowing the “truth”. For there are many “truths” in any situation, each person seeing things through their lens. Being able to peer alongside someone else is useful and somewhat cool, and can at times get confusing. Having strong moral and deep convictions and beliefs are good and necessary anchors, for you don’t want to get lost yourself. It requires a good deal of openminded-ness as well. An ability and desire to change and evolve for the better.

This doesn’t rewrite out story. It reframes it. Views things in a different light. Like the doctor, seeing from the parents’ side. We flesh out our story, furthering it, with not before realized information. Just something I strengthen while walking about in limbo.

Embrace your limbo.

You are among those who understand and empathize. A very good place to journal.

That wasn't really the point I was trying to make. But also very good points on how to view things. It's not that its not true, seeing things from another view can help you to understand them better, but the point of the process they focused on was how it can free you from your own guilt/rage/anger, etc. Another example was a man who's younger brother died by being hit by a car. Before it happened, he had told his brother he didn't want him to walk with him so he made him walk alone ahead. All his life he struggled and blamed himself for his brother's death which manifested itself in various ways as an adult. By rewriting the story where he walked beside his brother helped him to release the guilt by creating his own new memory of it. Freeing in a way for him. I'm not sure I'm explaining it correctly as it was a long episode and I'm trying to do it in a few sentences. Ha!

Is the financial workshop online or classroom? How many sessions? Just curious. It never hurts to acquire further knowledge or firm up that which you are already have. And I agree, it will be helpful during divorce and post divorce.

It's online and it's for women that are divorced or going through divorce by Michelle Smith and it helps women understand their financial options as they take control of their own destiny. It's not cheap, but it got some good attention and I have wanted to learn how to take basic finances to the next level (understanding investing, etc).

It's weird, I am sort of itching to get things moving forward now that I've decided I need to get the D. I can't keep living in this way. I'm tired of living in this limbo. Home doesn't feel like home to me anymore. And I think a part of me wants my own space to heal and to nest and to make my own way forward, no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just feeling this way as its something I can control somewhat...an action I can take to help me.

Limbo is a weird landscape to travel. This path can be difficult and even painful, or much less so, depending upon one’s perception of it. Depending upon their outlook, their choice. Embrace limbo. But how?

Quote
I can't don’t want to keep living in this way.

Small change in wording can have a huge affect internally. This is much more a want than a can’t. That gives you power and choice. And the realization that this weirdness is driven by your feelings.

I totally get how home doesn’t feel like home anymore (for the moment). Feelings are very real and very temporary. Do not make life altering decisions based solely, or mostly, upon them.

Continue the divorce because of the need of protection, not because you feel a temporary need for a change. Don’t fret or rush things. You will create changes and new avenues of life, and will do so for much better reasons. Do not tie those positive choices to the divorce; keep divorce just business. Your changes will be based upon your beliefs and values. Embrace limbo, walk it’s weird path, and discover it’s meaning.

You are right, can't and don't are two different things, and yes, I could, but I choose not too. So I am choosing that if I have to get a D to protect myself, I am ready to just do it. And just like GAL, having my own place is getting my own life going. Right now too much of this home is part of H and the kids. I can't afford to stay even if I wanted too. And it's bigger than I would want by myself. Also, the remodeling projects caused a lot of fights, so I wouldn't want it if we ever get to MR 2.0.

Anyway, I am trying to embrace my journey and my limbo. All good ideas for journaling as well, thank you. I do feel that some of what I am doing on here is journalling after your comments, but I am also being careful not to say too much as it's public. So I think doing this for the support and a written journal for the really private things, might be the way for me to move forward. I'm going to give it a go!

Thanks friends!
El