Steve_ Facing reality Part 1.

[Steve_]

If im gonna be honest I am sort of over focusing on the books, Ive read them all many many times and i am sure that they will definately help in my next relationship. But this one is broken, and mostly it is not because of me, yes there were some things I did to not help it but end of the day I was a pretty good husband, and a good dad, even my WW admits it is not me, that Ive done nothing wrong, that its simply her, and also admitted how cliche that is. Of course im not pefect and losing someone from your life does have the tendancy to make you examine every mistake you ever made under a microscope for awhile and blame yourself even. But ultimately this course was set a long time ago and without knowing how it would end I was not aware of how to stop it. But what is done is done, so that is that. I dont need to focus on books, or some kind of intense crazy therapy 6 times a week. All I need to do i simply take a deep breath and find something else to fill my time with besides obsessing over my lost M. Eventually that will become the new normal that its gone.

I dont go to counseling or services for PTSD, and ive seen/done some things in the war that people would call horrific. When I go to counseling I have to re-live it over and over. I found that simply blocking it out helped, yes it didnt work right away and I had to get used to it being part of me now, but eventually the anxiety and pain and confusion from what happened and the guilt, anger etc started to subside in time. Yes it changed me but its history not present. Going to counseling and explaining it over and over and what I think about it was not effective for me, it just kept pulling the scab off the wound. I am certain my M will be the same, it will take time and once I can learn to accept that this is part of me now and just to let it wash over me and accept it, I will get better. And I am much better than I was not even a month and a half ago. Hopefully in another month it will be something that I dont think of as much as it slowly fades away.