Trying to heal from WW - part 2

[SteveLW]

All good man. I remember you mentioning that, and yeah my situation also had a bit of that dynamic to it as i would try control the finances and everything for the first few years. You say that you thought you were in love, was it just infatuation and you realised this later on? I wasn't as in love with her the first few years as she was with me but over time i did fall in love with her. At least you got of the roller-coaster, i wasnt smart enough or aware enough to do that haha.

She actually ended it. I was pretty hurt. I got the "I am going to be really busy with school and stuff so I don't know how much time I'll have to spend with you." garbage from her. I moped (lucky didn't return to the bottle as I was only a few years sober at that point) for a week, then put on my big boy pants and moved forward, and met my W about that time. The 19 year-old (she had since turned 20) tried to come back after I was in a serious R with my W, but I completely ignored her.

My W wasnt in the party girl mode when we met and it seemed like she wanted what i wanted and to settle down and build a life together, but over time she started wanting to party more and it wasnt really what i wanted. I tried to compromise but it was never enough. She is also a very attractive girl, but it drove me crazy how she would take 3 hours to get ready and take like 100 selfies everytime we went out somewhere. I think she was a bit insecure and craved attention and validation. It must be tough to stop drinking and socialise, i guess the people we should want to meet you wouldn't find at bars or out drinking. I met W at a bar.

Yeah, I think that is part and parcel of the social media generation. The duck face drives me nuts! LOL

I think age isnt a major deal when you are a bit older, say i met her when i was 34 and she was 26 i dont think it would have been as much of a problem. I agree that looks shouldnt matter that much, but i would definitely need to find someone attractive to want to pursue them.

I agree that as both mature age gaps become less of an issue. Though I have seen big age gaps (10 years or more) become problematic in relationships past middle-age. So obviously it depends on the individuals and the time in their lives. But I find that most people today dismiss age gaps even when they are problematic.

As far as attractiveness, yes there needs to be an attraction there. But one thing I've learned after all these years and lots of dating and being pushed away, and pushing away is this: Instead of trying to find someone you are crazy about, you should be looking for someone that is crazy for you. I know someone in my life that married a woman that most people would say was less attractive (it is all subjective after all). But let me tell you, that woman is crazy about her H and they have an amazing marriage that is about to hit 30 years. I did it wrong! LOL

Im kind of coming out of the fog a bit lately i think, kind of just accepting the situation and wondering if i even actually want to see her ever again. I do forgive her and i understand that she is just a damaged and lost person at the moment but i dont know if i want to be associated with someone who can do this to someone they committed to spending their life with. Emotions change often but thats how im feeling at the moment.

Ace, I think this is good. The LBS fog is to try to remember the person we knew. We idealize them and do not see them for who they are currently being. I think that as you recognize that she is not the girl you married, and that the girl you married may never return, then you start to get to a place where you can move forward. But this isn't linear. You might go a while realizing this and then one day wake up struggling again because the idea of getting back the girl you married will be front and center. When that happens you have to remind yourself that she is gone and may never return.