One foot in front of the other

[DnJ]

Good Morning El

Glad to hear you are feeling better this week. Naps and self care (maybe some chick soup ) did the trick.

Is the financial workshop online or classroom? How many sessions? Just curious. It never hurts to acquire further knowledge or firm up that which you are already have. And I agree, it will be helpful during divorce and post divorce.

It's weird, I am sort of itching to get things moving forward now that I've decided I need to get the D. I can't keep living in this way. I'm tired of living in this limbo. Home doesn't feel like home to me anymore. And I think a part of me wants my own space to heal and to nest and to make my own way forward, no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just feeling this way as its something I can control somewhat...an action I can take to help me.

Limbo is a weird landscape to travel. This path can be difficult and even painful, or much less so, depending upon one’s perception of it. Depending upon their outlook, their choice. Embrace limbo. But how?

I can't don’t want to keep living in this way.

Small change in wording can have a huge affect internally. This is much more a want than a can’t. That gives you power and choice. And the realization that this weirdness is driven by your feelings.

I totally get how home doesn’t feel like home anymore (for the moment). Feelings are very real and very temporary. Do not make life altering decisions based solely, or mostly, upon them.

I live in the marital home with all the furniture, appliances, equipment, dishes, and everything - except her favourite coffee mug, a laundry basket, and the bathroom scale. The only things she took in her exodus. My home is very much my home - now. It feels it. I think it. I believe it.

Limbo and indifference brings a void in emotion and action. Other feelings loom larger than they really are. We also focus upon those feelings which stand out against the blankness; and that which we focus on gets bigger. Of course it only seems to get bigger. However, perception is reality; and you can affect you perception and therefore your reality.

That is a long way from “can’t”. Just think of it. See and imagine just how powerful your mind is.

Continue the divorce because of the need of protection, not because you feel a temporary need for a change. Don’t fret or rush things. You will create changes and new avenues of life, and will do so for much better reasons. Do not tie those positive choices to the divorce; keep divorce just business. Your changes will be based upon your beliefs and values. Embrace limbo, walk it’s weird path, and discover it’s meaning.

Journaling can be a helpful tool. Organizing our thoughts and feelings, working through various scenarios, exploring and discovering our values, and so on. We all have an inner dialog. We all have an ego. The written word has a power about it. A permanence. An another entry into our minds.

People gain information in many ways. Reading, hearing, and writing for example. (Books, classroom/workshop, journaling) The latter is in the doing/action realm. We associate that effort, that conscious effort of organizing and putting pen to paper, the permanence of such an act, to elevate it in importance. It must be important if we put forth that kind of effort - goes the unrealized thought process. Of course that is especially true for those who have an affinity for the written word and the acquiring of knowledge in that manner.

An interesting tidbit of journaling’s power exists in its written form, as opposed to an audio recorded diary or journal. Aside from the greater effort to write, one also has recorded it on paper. This allows one to release these thoughts, feelings, and events from their mental grasp and tightly held grip. It is written down, I do not need to firmly remember all these details. Again, the underlying process reveals the power. With us able to mentally let go, to have assurance we will not loose certain things, we actually process, progress, and actually retain that which serves us and release that which does not.

What to specifically write about? The sky’s the limit. And the direction can be whichever way you want it to be.

Personally, I would write factual events and realization, more than feelings. It is along the lines of what we are focused upon. What we are reinforcing. However, one needs to start somewhere and feelings are true, and “feel” powerful and deep. So do not ignore your feelings, allow them to flit away by writing about events with their fleeting nature in mind.

There is a good deal of mental assertiveness, that sword and shield philosophy, one can apply. Yet still have free roaming internal exploration. Heck, you’re in limbo, you might as well make the most if it and explore. All directions do seem to feel the same, don’t they? Have faith, there is a path out. (((Hugs)))

We all require a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Compassion is another value one should work to find and aspire towards. These, along with kindness and other positive traits and beliefs, bolster empathy. For all my life I’ve been blessed (and somewhat cursed at times) with a high level of empathy. I have no problem seeing the many sides of a situation. I can understand, empathize, and even forgive my XW’s bizarre actions. To be clear, I do not know exactly why she did what she did, she doesn’t even know that, yet I can and do see how it is possible for someone to be driven to that extreme.

OnlyBent’s post reminded me of a change management course I took. One of the tools is to look at things from the other side; much like the doctor’s story. As strange as it is, there are positives on both sides of every story; and yes negatives as well. My W running off and abandoning her own four children and taking on OM’s boy as her own, in front of her own children - recall the car accident OM’s son had and how XW was so upset as she was telling her own children how she almost lost a child.

XW’s actions are positive, she became a terrible Mom. Abandoning her children’s lives is one of the best things she could actually do. Perhaps, somewhere, hidden within herself is J, and some weird subconscious pressure/feeling lead her to take that action. Or perhaps not. Or it is just a nice bedtime story I tell myself. Lol. Point is - I have feedback of my viewpoint, my forgiving and empathic view. My kids are doing great! That is a positive, which would be less likely if XW had fought over them or with them. And that would be very much something the lost/past J would have given her life for - her children. (Which she kind of did.)

Now, that doesn’t absolve her of all the actions and choices she made. Life is very tangled and nothing is simple nor straightforward. Empathy requires setting aside one’s ego and being ok with not really knowing the “truth”. For there are many “truths” in any situation, each person seeing things through their lens. Being able to peer alongside someone else is useful and somewhat cool, and can at times get confusing. Having strong moral and deep convictions and beliefs are good and necessary anchors, for you don’t want to get lost yourself. It requires a good deal of openminded-ness as well. An ability and desire to change and evolve for the better.

This doesn’t rewrite out story. It reframes it. Views things in a different light. Like the doctor, seeing from the parents’ side. We flesh out our story, furthering it, with not before realized information. Just something I strengthen while walking about in limbo.

Embrace your limbo.

You are among those who understand and empathize. A very good place to journal.

D