One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Hello friends. Thank you for your encouragement OnlyBent, and additional thoughts SteveLW and Oceangl. You all have given me a lot to think about. Forgiveness is a complicated thing...but so important. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to forgive, but I'm also not going to let anger consume me. For me, it just might be letting go versus forgiving. Maybe it's sort of the same thing. I don't know. I will get there when I get there.

I wasn't feeling well most of last week, and just went with it and took lots of naps and self-care. I'm doing better this week. I start the financial workshop this week, so I am excited about that. It will help me plan for my future as well as assist me during the divorce. It's weird, I am sort of itching to get things moving forward now that I've decided I need to get the D. I can't keep living in this way. I'm tired of living in this limbo. Home doesn't feel like home to me anymore. And I think a part of me wants my own space to heal and to nest and to make my own way forward, no strings attached. Or maybe I'm just feeling this way as its something I can control somewhat...an action I can take to help me. But first, I'm still trying to get him to sign the agreement about the funds he took and spent on his affair and crisis. It just keeps dragging out and I am asking for proof if he wants to lower the amount I've asked for. Things are civil. Even somewhat lighthearted as our older son has been home too. Not much else to report. Nothing has really changed. He still seems set on his course and I'm still focusing on my needs and myself.

I am wondering if any of you have done journaling in your situations? I've never been one to journal. Of course I take notes and right down goals and such, but wondering 'how' to journal, and what works for you? Do you write as if you are talking to someone? Or is it more like notes about what you did or felt that day? I'm not sure where to begin with that.... One thing that got me thinking about it is I was listening to a podcast where the counselor discussed how rewriting a situation you've had can be healing. For example, a doctor didn't recognize a child had meningitis until the child was seriously ill and close to death. The parents were angry and threatened to sue him, etc. Of course he was angry and frustrated that they didn't realize that meningitis is very hard to identify in the early stages, etc. However, when he sat down to write the story from the parents point of view, he realized they were just afraid and scared and thought they would lose their child. He instantly didn't feel the anger anymore but felt compassion and empathy. They discussed how doing this even in changing a story that you are in can help you feel less anger, or deal with the feelings or emotions, or feel power over the pain. Anyway, wondered if this is what people do sometimes when journaling too? Anyway, any journaling or diary ideas or suggestions are welcome.

El