Something I have been interested in working on is understanding relationships better. Something I read with Cory Wayne and also with Tony Robbins was about the masiculine vs feminine energy and sexual polarity. I realize that our relationship was very off-base. My WW is a control freak, she has to be in charge of things, she has to know everything, she hates surprises and if you just come up with spontaneous plans she will most likely be put-off. I am more of a very laid back easy going type of guy. My problem is I was raised by my single mom and didnt have much of a masculine role model.
I am of the mind that the reason my wife loves me is that I have that soft, nice guy, more easy going and compassionate side. And it makes her feel good and loved and all that. But what was missing is the attraction. And if I was more in the feminine role and she was more in the masculine its only a matter of time until that dynamic breaks down. I was doing all the child rearing, cleaning, working, etc. She was simply existing in the M and doing pretty much nothing but hanging out and being spoiled. I sort of believe this (NOT AN EXCUSE) but was a symptom of why she went outside the M for affairs. Losing attraction over time. But couldnt leave me and the safety of her M. Until the last OM showed up who seemed so nice and caring and everything I was but with more money and he was shiny and new. Then he wanted her to stay home, to cook, to clean to watch his 3 kids and our two kids. That didnt work for her and she began to argue with him, stonewall, bicker about the kids, get frustrated and resentful toward him. In the end she still sees him as a good person and thinks thier only issue was the kids but no not really.
I feel like in the next relationship I need to take a handfull of both of these things. I will still love and support and be very compassionate, but Im going to also not be afraid to ask things of my partner, say what I want in a loving way, and expect them to put in the work that I do. I dont need to be 1000% masculine constantly thats just not me. But I definately cannot be in the feminine energy all the time. yes girls love a sweet sensitive caring man, but he becomes unattractive and boring over time. In line with the NMMG stuff. I guess its observations I think I saw in our R. Thought id share them.
Tony Robbins has had several women, not woman, WOMEN accuse him of sexual misconduct. Even more accused him of blatant misogyny. So I strongly, strongly suggest you look else where for relationship advice. Particularly anything involving gender dynamics. Albeit archaic, and I don't recommend you dump any energy into it at all, if you feel you must please pay attention to who you're listening to. There are plenty of old fashioned folks out there not running around trying to coerce or berate women. I'm not a huge fan of that Texan TV Doctor, he and I don't agree on much, but he loves his wife, and as far as I can tell he doesn't actually hate women. He seems to respect them. There are plenty of others like him.
While I respect other's who choose to have a gendered relationship dynamic in heteronormative relationships that is not what all women look for. I do not choose overtly masculine "alpha" men because they will not tolerate me, or me asserting my will, my power, my sexuality or my opinion. I can't have that. I won't have that for me and I refuse to see my girls raised in a relationship like that. I will never defer to man just because. I will never live subserviently for any other reason than I know my partner will do the same out of love. There is a line between being a self-possessed man and being a jerk. I've met very few men who consider themselves self-possessed and masculine who are not complete a-holes. Gender roles are a construct and a massive crutch for couples who refuse to be in a partnership with their spouse. Even the Bible quote people like to point out in it's whole context isn't about a wife becoming completely submissive to her husband it asks that both the husband and the wife defer to each other. To love and put each other before everyone but god. No one needs to be deferential in a relationship based on their reproductive organs. People should willingly participate in their marriage and family in equal parts because they are part of something not because their role has been dictated by pseudoscience or societal constructs.
I will however agree man or woman (because I was married to the male version of this in my first MR) as one spouse continues to agree to more and more and more of weight of the household and marriage (or simply just takes it on because they've been left with no other option) a narcist will let you have it and the blame you for not keep up with yourself or them. My 1st H was mentally ill, and addict an a complete narcissist. I was expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, work in our relationship, and to bring home at least 1/2 the income. Nothing was ever enough. I'm saying this because Steve you need to understand what happened in your MR had nothing to do with you or your gender roles. What happened was because your stbxw is a dumpster fire of a human being. And people like that spend an awful lot of time convincing their partners they're the problem. They will chip away at you and your self-worth over the course of years until there's only a shell of you left, and then tell you you aren't the person they fell in love with when they feel like they are done with you. Ginger has this summed up for you perfectly. Read that and re-read that every time you start to think this mess was some how all on you.
Last and probably most important note, asking for what you want and need in a relationship is called emotional maturity not masculinity.
