On the nesting, I am not a big fan of it. First, nesting just delays the inevitable. The kids wills end up in the new normal of going between their mom's and their dad's places eventually, so nesting is temporary. Further, most LBSs struggle with it (like you have). It just isn't sustainable. AND the worst part, is that it let's the WAS cake eat. They get to come play house in the marital home, and then go off for a week and be girls gone wild. It is no path to R if that is what your goal is.
I hear that. I didn't really like either option TBH. The mediator said we needed to separate to start the process and this seemed the least bad way. And yeah, temporary works both ways--it's temporary so you might as well just do it for a bit, or it's temporary so there's no need to do it. I agree it isn't a path to an R, which, while I am often all over the place, I would still be happy to try at this point. I don't see any path to an R with her right now though.
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As far as the love letter. IF you did it with no expectations, and just to get it off your chest so that you could move forward and say that she knew in no uncertain terms how you felt, fine. However, most LBS lie to themselves. 99.9999999999% of LBS do hope it will spark a R. That the WAS will go "wow, they really do love me and care about me and I am better off staying than going!" Secondly, more than likely your letter said nothing she didn't already know or had heard before. Therefore it was superfluous. This is why we typically advise against long, heartfelt letters and emails like this.
This is definitely fair and I agree with you. I think I'm not lying to myself. I elaborated a bit more to LH above. I also don't think it was superfluous and that I did say some things I didn't say before. In any case, I don't think I had expectations, at least consciously
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Wow, amazing! Your STBXW is a DB guru! Imagine that if the day you arrived to this forum, you committed to this this plan: GAL, work on yourself (180s and improvements), and detaching (IE stop being codependent), where do you think your sitch would be today? I know hindsight is 20/20, but she just said what this board tells you to do! Focus on yourself, etc. If only every newcomer could read this and learn from it.
Yeah, I was actually amused to read it. I think it's just the general way that you have to deal with this type of thing. The sooner the LBS gets it, the better.
mako, if you did not have expectations and said things she hadn't heard before with the letter, than no harm no foul! If it was merely to get things off your chest so you could move on without regrets, then I actually support it. But it has to be with all of that or it is a setback (this is for any newcomers reading this).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
