Just looking for advise. I started last Wed. This approach. We have been married for 20 years. 5 weeks ago she filed for divorce. I knew things were not great but never saw divorce coming. I left for three weeks to give her space. Of course after week 2 I wrote her a letter, told her how much I loved her. All the wrong stuff. After reading the book I decided to try this approach. Was feeling better about myself until Sat. Night. She found a way to suck me in to a conversation and it escalated. I was calm and used a soft tone and that angered her even more. Said she does not love me. Refuses to get help together and just wants out. She wants to stay in control to keep the anger alive. How do I get back to this approach. I feel everything I learned I screwed up. Time is not on my side final date is set for July and where we live it’s no fault state. Decisions on selling house will be coming soon. This will really spark a fire with her.
kruse, if you think that 180ing is going to stop the D, then I do not think you understand the approach. The approach is for you to focus on you and your actions, stop doing things that drove her away in the first place, and then give it time and space to see if it can have an impact. But the key is that you have to give it that time and space. There is no race here. Whether or not she ends up going through with the D doesn't impact this. There have been plenty of couples of that have D'd and then reconciled weeks, months or years afterward. Whether or not she goes through with the D is out of your control.
Just keep working on you, and working on your 180s. Become the best version of yourself that you can. Become a man only a fool would leave. This means you remove all of your focus from her, and put it on you:
GAL. Do not sit around idle and stew on your situation get out there and live your life. 180s. Keep working on self-improvments. Don't stop learning and growing. Finally, detach. Work on getting to a place where her words and actions do not trigger you emotionally. This will be tough at first but as you continue to GAL and 180 and focus on you, you will get better at it. She will have many reactions to your lack of reacting (anger is one of them). You do not control her reactions, only yours.
kruse, sorry you are here and sorry you are going through this. But focus on what you can control, and that is you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
