DBX80, I’m trying to resolve two things and understand where you’re at—you say you have not given up on the marriage, but you also say you’ve been dating?! How did you explain this to your dates?
I just tell them that I'm going through a divorce, and that we live completely separate lives (which is true). It hasn't been an issue so far (that I'm aware of).
And I guess there's a bit of compartmentalizing that goes on when I say that I haven't given up on my marriage. In a sense, I have given up if I'm dating other people. But on the other hand, I have not committed myself to anyone. So take that as you will. Life is messy, lol.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I get you believe you’ve made self-improvements and went dark EXCEPT for the dogs for a year “DB’ing x 80!” and you wanted another shot—like that time she came over and you two had great sex? It must seem unfair that in a year, dropping off cupcakes is the most personal interaction you’ve gotten.
Yes, it's kind of sad in a sense. But on the other hand, it confirms that she's not the person I fell in love with anymore, which definitely helps with detachment.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
What deeper work have you done? Detachment is one part of DB. Being your best self is another. Your ex-wife's complaint was that you were "controlling and selfish" and you agreed. Have you transformed in these areas? How would an outsider see this in your work, hobbies, and daily interactions?
I do go to IC. I feel like I have a more laid-back attitude towards life now. I used to be much more high-strung and "intense," which wasn't serving me well in my relationships with others (not just with W, but with friends and family and work colleagues). I let things roll off my back much more now, which has actually helped quite a bit with gaining a sense of acceptance about what has happened to my marriage.
CWarrior, I honestly tried my best to save that marriage, because I honestly really loved her. I don't know if I really believe in "soulmates" and all of that stuff, but if they are a thing, I always thought she would clearly be my soulmate. It's sad to think about what has happened to us, but at least now I can wrap my head around it. People change, and sometimes that means that they move on from something you thought to be solid and everlasting. It is what it is, and there's literally nothing I can do about it. You cannot force someone to love you; not even your soulmate!
