On the nesting, I am not a big fan of it. First, nesting just delays the inevitable. The kids wills end up in the new normal of going between their mom's and their dad's places eventually, so nesting is temporary. Further, most LBSs struggle with it (like you have). It just isn't sustainable. AND the worst part, is that it let's the WAS cake eat. They get to come play house in the marital home, and then go off for a week and be girls gone wild. It is no path to R if that is what your goal is.
As far as the love letter. IF you did it with no expectations, and just to get it off your chest so that you could move forward and say that she knew in no uncertain terms how you felt, fine. However, most LBS lie to themselves. 99.9999999999% of LBS do hope it will spark a R. That the WAS will go "wow, they really do love me and care about me and I am better off staying than going!" Secondly, more than likely your letter said nothing she didn't already know or had heard before. Therefore it was superfluous. This is why we typically advise against long, heartfelt letters and emails like this.
As far as:
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She said if I want to be with her I need to change without her. She discussed various faults and that I need to go to therapy to address them. She mentioned a few non-negotiable deal breakers. She also basically told me to GAL because we were too codependent and she can't go back to that. Said she can't ask me to make changes because I have to do it for myself. That only after we find ourselves could we think about a partnership again. The man she wants is confident, driven, and affectionate. The woman that man deserves is patient, supportive, and loving. And right now we don't deserve each other.
This was an interesting back and forth and has, oddly, given me closure. She knows how I feel. She's still committed to a D and doesn't want to wait around or try to work on things. At the same time she gave me a script that basically follows DBing to a T--work on self, GAL, become the best man I can be. I can't really argue with what she said, and this is what I already knew I needed to do. I was surprised she even acknowledged the possibility of a future R. I wonder, when I get there, if she will be the one I want.
Wow, amazing! Your STBXW is a DB guru! Imagine that if the day you arrived to this forum, you committed to this this plan: GAL, work on yourself (180s and improvements), and detaching (IE stop being codependent), where do you think your sitch would be today? I know hindsight is 20/20, but she just said what this board tells you to do! Focus on yourself, etc. If only every newcomer could read this and learn from it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
