[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

I am glad the children are opening up more and more. This is difficult and it is very good they are comfortable speaking to you about their feelings.

Your conversation with H, as CW said, you have clear, well organized, and thought out plans. These will make good basis for boundaries going forward.

Did you handle it well? A difficult question. No one can see all ends. No one can accurately predict what will work or won’t work. Besides, the LBS cannot really affect path of the MLCer. We cannot speed it up and usually at worse just slow their progress. The LBS just needs to do what works for them, so no matter what happens they can live with what they’ve done.

That, of course, is a bit of an unknown while mired in the thick of things. And so we turn to ideas and strategies that work in most situations;. To be clear, strategies that work for you and H.

Being honest. Good.

Being kind and compassionate. Good.

However, I do not believe H was ready or looking to hear all that just yet. Remember, no pressure.

Well, a few days ago I got a call from him.
When I picked up I had a very confused STBXH on the line.
He told me that he is really not well, that he wants to know what he has, that he wants to give up everything over there and come back and whether there is still room for him in our house.
He also asked if I had somebody new.
Furthermore he also said that him returning would be seen as a failure to everybody, because he would have to give up his work etc. (therefore I think he has difficulties in taking the step)

Validate and acknowledge his feelings, not promote your own. I know how difficult that is, by the way.

What you stated in parentheses is probably true. That is an excellent follow up query after validation to illicit further information and promote him to dig within. A few suggestions:

I am sorry you feel like you wanting to return is a failure.

I am sorry you are not feeling well.

Speak to his feelings. Not to his actions. For example:

If you stated, I am sorry you feel coming home is a failure. This creates “coming home” to equate to failure, it reinforces his irrational feelings and fears. Acknowledge “wanting” to come home and the feelings that whelm up from that thought not the act.

A person in turmoil, in crisis, when they reach out, especially at first, they are looking to be heard. H is testing the waters, to see how you will react to his feelings. He is not looking for solutions, not yet. He is not looking for understanding or empathy. His path is still very much emotionally driven and about himself. Let him lead the way.

H doesn’t know what he is after or why he feels like he does. He is, as he said, confused. Validating and acknowledging his feelings gives him permission to let him process them. That will probably happen without you, as it should. Perhaps, that idea or view will help you with where he is currently is.

I agree with you answering his question of if there is anyone else. Some advice is to be more mysterious, to let them think/feel like perhaps there is another. It depends upon the situation. The big item is that you are not sitting around pinning for their return; and you got that across. Also, the being mysterious is more when not being directly asked. In your case, being evasive would cause more problems than would potentially solve. Honest = good. If you do not want tell him something, that is the correct response.

H: Are you seeing anyone?

E: I’d rather not discuss my love life right now.

That is probably a better strategic answer. However, not a better one for you. You stated your position and got certain things off your chest and out in the open. Next time, and I am certain there will be a next time, being evasive and stating as above will be a better answer (for you too).

As I said, you were clear and well thought out, which will make good clear boundaries easier to state and enforce.

I guess he just need to process again? Anyway, this will not affect the path I'm walking, although I'm anxious and afraid at the same time. I'm happy now, what if he returns and it is false again?
Don't want to go to the same rollercoaster as the past 2 years...

Yes, anxious and afraid, seems reasonable. You don’t want to repeat the rollercoaster again.

What if he returns again, and it is false? You cannot control his outcome. You can control your’s and your actions.

Why does H need to return directly into the guest room? Suggest, and if that is not picked up on since these MLCer’s have the mental sharpness of a gnat, tell H that he can return and he should use a rental for the first while to see how things go. You and he can visit him living under your roof at a later date.

You need not place boulders upon his path, yet his path need not be a direct line from there to guest bedroom. Might be best if it isn’t.

Nicely done Eagle.

D