Above I said I wasn't leaving the house. However, shortly after that post we agreed to separate. So we're alternating weeks, where one stays at our house and the other stays at their respective parents' house. This has been fine. I don't know if this was "right" or "wrong" but I don't care. It keeps some bit of normalcy for the kids and I've gotten to see more of my dad. Otherwise she was going to get an apartment and have them go back and forth and that seemed like a waste of money and not great for them. They'll have plenty of time for that later. Anyway, we're prepping to sell the house in the next couple months so this is short term anyway.
So far the weeks on are good, the weeks off are tough. I enjoy time with the kids and miss them. I've actually enjoyed doing work on the house that I had put off. When I'm away I feel somewhat lost, as it's in a temporary space and not really mine. I am looking forward to having my own place and setting up a home for myself. This last house, we moved in 3 years ago and the M was dying the whole time--it never felt like home to me.
After mulling it over for a good couple weeks, the other day I wrote her a last love letter, explaining how I felt through the past 12 years of knowing her. I know this is not in line with DBing, and one might call it a slip up but I don't think it was. It was something I needed to do for myself as I haven't always expressed my feelings to her all that well. I had no expectations of reconciliation so the intention was not pursuit, it came from another place, I don't know. She may have taken it that way and I know when spouses leave this isn't what they want, but that doesn't really matter at this point. TBH I didn't even expect a response since she had ignored R talk the past couple years. She did respond.
She said these are things I should have said all along, but talk is cheap. 2 years ago she decided she couldn't change me so she changed herself. Got a job, got new friends, and the past month (since BD) she's been happy. Spending time with friends, dating (?), growing.
She said if I want to be with her I need to change without her. She discussed various faults and that I need to go to therapy to address them. She mentioned a few non-negotiable deal breakers. She also basically told me to GAL because we were too codependent and she can't go back to that. Said she can't ask me to make changes because I have to do it for myself. That only after we find ourselves could we think about a partnership again. The man she wants is confident, driven, and affectionate. The woman that man deserves is patient, supportive, and loving. And right now we don't deserve each other.
She mentioned twice, at the start and the end, that therapy will not fix the M, and she's not going to wait around to see if I can do these things or not.
I responded basically thank you for pointing out these things, I'm not happy about where my life is right now, I know I need to make changes and I am going to do so. It was longer than that but probably didn't have to be.
This was an interesting back and forth and has, oddly, given me closure. She knows how I feel. She's still committed to a D and doesn't want to wait around or try to work on things. At the same time she gave me a script that basically follows DBing to a T--work on self, GAL, become the best man I can be. I can't really argue with what she said, and this is what I already knew I needed to do. I was surprised she even acknowledged the possibility of a future R. I wonder, when I get there, if she will be the one I want.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
