Those special days do tug at our heart and recollection of a different time.
Yes, 29 years ago, young and invincible. The very things a troubled person within the grips of an emotional crisis is trying to recapture. If only they could see. If only they could realize one can be older and vulnerable and happy. That it is ok. Of course, that’s the problem - the crisis of midlife.
Everyone experiences a transition around midlife, as we realize more sand is in the bottom of our hourglass than the top; and there is no flipping it over. YOLO - you only live once - takes on profound meaning for those who embrace its enlightenment. And no, it is not a dare to do something foolish or daredevil like.
As we move into the phase of contemplating our life’s work - career, family, friends, faith, and such - we find peace and contentment as we find the “gold” in our golden years, or we run to find that “gold” which we feel we missed out on. The MLCer is in the latter category compounded with past trauma(s) that must find resolution before they can ever find peace or true happiness. A midlife crisis is a midlife transition gone very badly off the rails.
Perhaps, in time H will get there. He is a low energy type. My XW is a high energy vanisher. Neither one is better at awaken, it depends upon them. Although H does seem to be causing less damage in his wake so there is less that he needs to face. And I do believe he is starting to face his life and choices that have lead him here.
Good for you not questioning H or bring up those desired topics. Yes, H is not ready to discuss those. And by the way, he probably knows what day it was too. You being kind and cordial, asking him to pick up a pizza, is good. Give him time and space to sort out his feelings. Continue not blaming or being judgemental. H’s actions are counter to his words. Believe nothing they say, and half of what they do. H is confused, of course you won’t know what he is feeling/thinking, he doesn’t even know.
You are absolutely correct you need to see more. H may be thawing and he may regress somewhat, definitely will if he is pressured. Let him come to you, with a clearer signal, and even then tread gently.
Something to consider:
Quote
I refuse choose, at this moment, to file, since this is not what I want.
Refuse keeps things confrontational. Let go. You made your choice, for you. It has little to do with H, so don’t tie it to him. And don’t refuse or fight your choice. Embrace it. You can always choose differently if you need to later, nothing is carved in stone.
Originally Posted by PLC
I know people might think I’m nuts or delusional but I still love him, and I want to work things out.
You are not delusional. For most of those IRL, until someone walks in our shoes they really have no experience and no reference. And since we are new to walking this path our experience is rather limited as well and self doubts grow.
Loving our spouse and wanting things to work out are two separate items. Most times those are tied together. Good for you seeing and keeping them separate.
You can love H. I still love J. That doesn’t preclude doing what is necessary nor blind you. In fact, the love that returns as indifference is unwound is far more unconditional than which we started with.
Letting go, compassion, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness; our lives go from blissfully unaware to blissfully aware - in my humble opinion. A pretty awesome transition and embracing of the blessings of this path.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
