Yes - Agreed, there are things in how she is handling this that she is doing with a lot kindness.
Yes - NGS is the next book I'll be reading.
Yes - I do wonder about the way her marriage was ending and she was separated then had sex with someone else.
I have thought repeatedly about her actions and her level of work that she has done or not done on herself....but what I', realizing is that it doesn't matter to me at this point.
The advice and reasoning that everyone has been giving me is becoming clearer and clearer. TBH I'm kind of blown away that people are caring enough about me to offer me so much of their time to reply - so I'm going to take a leap and be a bit more vulnerable and fill who ever is reading this what I've been learning about myself.
In terms of therapy and how I have been working on myself: I am in therapy a few times a week. - I am talking with my regular therapist - An addiction therapist - A somatic therapist who is helping me learn to understand my feelings and emotions and learn self regulation.
What I have discovered about myself since this all started:
1) As a toddler I never felt secure nor validated - I lived outside of myself in order to understand how to feel safe, in other words I am a people pleasure and certainly have a lack of respect at times for myself. At 47 I am only learning how to live and be connected to my own authentic sense of self. I have needed outside reflection, sympathy and validation for my entire life. Disassociation is what I have always done. Lacking a sense of feeling real is ground zero for me.
> I am connecting to this authentic self both through feeling my hard scary feelings and real self examination. Daily walks and weights is helping and I plan on adding more in the next few weeks. Everything I'm working on rests on this self acknowledgement, self love and self acceptance. Before I realized this to it's fullest extent I didn't fully exist without someone in front on me and in this case I didn't have "a home" in myself without her.
(side note: this people pleaser life has lead me to be very driven and successful in business and in sport)
2) My abandonment wound is right in front of me. I wanted her to take care of me and my emotions. I lacked self regulation skills. My hoping she will come back now feels like me wanting her to make that pain go away. "No more mr nice guy" - it's interesting how much that keeps coming up. I took a 1 day seminar with Dr Glover 15years ago. Apparently I didn't take good notes. To be honest - I live a lot like a victim and feed off of sympathy.
> This is all about me learning to heal as much of this as I can to work with it as best as I can and to be a healthy version of myself for me, my daughter and have an open heart in the future. Also I plan on looking into attachment styles at some point. To be a separate and whole person without the need of someone else. I know how I have been living like a victim and living in scarcity and survival most of the past few years - separating from this "need" of sympathy is clear to me now and I'm working on becoming the strongest version of myself for myself.
3) I have been / was addicted to things most easily found on the internet my entire life.
> I am now 33 days sober. I see to a very large extent how this has impacted many aspects of my life let alone any and every relationship I've ever had. Therapy, self discipline, commitment to myself and healthy my future relationships is my north star. I continue to see and remind myself the significant impact this has had on my quality of life in so many areas.
4) I have only been talking about the shame around my own sexuality for 4 months. I had an inappropriate therapist in high school that left me feeling insecure about my own sense of masculinity and femininity. I have hidden my sensitive side and shamed my masculine, rejected most forms of masculinity most of my life.
> About every other week I am talking with someone who understands relationships and both masculine and feminine within ourselves. I've identified that I need to work on both learning to accept the qualities of the feminine within myself and use them for self care etc and also connect with my power, confidence and all 4 quadrants of the masculine.
All of these things and a few more have created a self-loathing, anxious and shameful internal dialog.
And to be honest now that I've typed this all out the thought crossed my mind that someone reading this is saying to themselves "No wonder she left him..."
Regarding "A" I'm limiting conversation with her. I am finding more strength to create space to heal. I am realizing that every time I go to the past or the future I am trying to control an outcome. I'm pretty non existent from social media at this point.
I realized I was much into her space with periodic messages to her friends or to her sister. I am staying in touch with her mom when I have my daughter present because her mom could pass at any point.
I requested that her and I have a conversation about how to handle all the future finances. I mentioned that if she wanted to go to a mediator to discuss it I would be fine with that. She said "we never had good conversations about money so I think it's a good idea and I'll schedule it." So there are future up and coming face to face meetings, I do plan on talking with a lawyer prior just so I know what I should be aware of. I have the potential to make a lot of money in the coming years and very large assets that I will leave to my daughter so I want to understand things one way or the other.
I am touching parts of anger the past 10 days, it helps and I'm trying not to label her as "bad" and working not to develop "resentment."
Today was my daughter's birthday. Her mom always sends me pictures of special moments of our daughters life, today, (while her friends our in town) I didn't get any. This is a case where I begin to slip into an unhealthy thought cycle.
I'm learning to stay in my lane and do my absolute best to not wonder or guess or go back in the past or hope to plan a future with her. My work is to continue my healing, be the best dad and bring more joy into my life.
I think I should be fair to say I will slip up, fall down and with help from myself and others (like you who's reading) I'll get back up. This all [censored].
So I think I haven't answered all the questions that people have been posing to me and I'm not sure how to use the full editor yet which I think would help.
@sandi2 - this was really helpful: Is it "hope" you have trouble letting go, or is it her? I suggest you place your hope in another field or direction, rather than your WW. Try this........instead of dwelling on hope for reconciliation, or if you struggle giving up that particular hope, tell yourself "It is what it is, and I'm moving on with my life". You can't fix her or force a R, so stop giving it so many of your brain cells. It is what it is, and you can't change it, so move on. I think some people have to stop labeling it as giving up hope, b/c it messes with their head too much. Redirect your hope toward you, and the areas you want to develop in your life. Take this time while you are alone to enjoy the things you couldn't do as a couple, or b/c she didn't like the same things.
I'm sure there will be more to check in on. Thank you everyone. -J
