One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Oh DnJ, you should be a writer. Your way with words...so good. Yes, you are right...

Forgiveness is not earned, and is bestowed freely. It comes from, and is for, you. Forgiveness, as counterintuitive as this sounds, has little to do with the transgressor and everything to do with you and your beliefs.

H cannot do anything to earn your forgiveness.

H forced you onto this unwanted path. He doesn’t control where it takes you. That includes being angry, holding a grudge, and not forgiving him; and includes finding peace, letting go, and finding acceptance and forgiveness. All within your grasp, and abilities to find and/or reinforce/strengthen/craft/discard.

I know you and SteveLW are right. And in my heart I know that like CWarrior said...

Forgiving a person does not imply trusting them again, nor giving them a chair at your table. In Elbereth's shoes, knowing her husband put his whims so high above her, I could understand being uncertain whether to trust and rebuild. I could see how true remorse would help make her feel safer to do so.

So maybe my forgiveness is not 'earned' as my description demands. As you are right, one can forgive regardless of situation or even if someone even knows they do. As it comes from me and is in me. It's something I let go of that allows me to forgive. I do get that. I have done that in other situations. But, CWarrior is right, I would need to feel safe in doing it in this situation. And as SteveLW said, forgiveness can be 'sought' and I would want to see that happening to feel safe in forgiving. Of course, it would still be my choice to do it regardless, but I'm not sure I could.

I am doing my best to not be angry, or hold a grudge or focus on negative things. I am focused on me, being positive, looking towards my future. So as much as it hurts, I'm not sitting here waiting for him to wake up and come back. I'm moving forward as if it's not going to happen. That is freeing in itself...even if it's hard. And it hurts. I am just trying to be patient with myself, and "let the chips fall where they may" in regards to H.

Thank you everyone... Your words and advice do help me to keep perspective, realize when I'm off course, and give me strength to move forward. I appreciate it so much.