Forgiveness, like most things in life is not a simple cut and dried thing. It would be great if it were sought, however that is not a requisite for one to find it within themselves. True, the current actions need to be ceased, yet one can forgive without the transgression doing anything further. Consider how you can/could forgive someone who is dead. Obviously you would have no tangible proof of their desire to seek forgiveness, yet that need not stop you.
My XW has done nothing to smooth the damage between us or with her kids. And I have forgiven her. That does not mean condoning, or otherwise stating such immoral and deceitful behaviour is correct or allowed - it is however, stating her behaviour is forgivable. I no longer seek restitution or retribution regarding her; and that is incredibly freeing and peaceful.
With candour, this is not a hugely populated place; people do not know how to forgive. Although, I have and am converting quite a few. Plenty of times in real life it starts with something like “I would never be able to forgive my W if she ever did something like that.” That usually leads into a conversation much like I have here, about how “you never really know just how forgiving you can be until you are tested, which I sincerely you are not”. From there the veil of foreignness is pulled back as demonstrated traits take its place. It is pretty humbling when one sees just how many lives each of us touch and how the smallest action can have life altering outcomes for someone.
That may have been one of the most needed realizations - I do not know all ends. How could I ever judge her? So, I let go, forgive, and gave her to God. Of course this view came about rather abruptly with that hellish nightmare of her being damned. I prayed right then and there, in the wee hours of the night, for God to forgive her. Lol. Me, begging God to forgive because I already did.
After that, sure there were plenty of other lessons and internal things to overcome, however holding a grudge and being angry were no longer on the list. I did dip pretty low though to find my path, about as low as one can go really. It took many more months before I forgave myself for that. (For those that never read my thread, I was in an incredible ceaseless pain and ending things was seriously considered. Trust me when I say this - things do get better. Much much better.)
My lowest and paradoxically my highest moment. Perception. Dark and shinny, good and evil, low and high, same coin different sides. I suppose it comes down to what one chooses. How one exercises their free will.
Hmmmm. Kind of strayed a bit. Sorry Elbereth.
You are receiving some excellent advice from the posters. I really like Steve’s view as well. You are doing fine, take it slow and be patient.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
