I had to talk with my STBXW yesterday because my son is getting close to the edge of appropriateness with girls on his phone. The conversation with her went very well; we stayed focused on my son the entire time.
But I will say, those conversations set me back. Its hard to explain - I guess its like pulling the scab off of a healing wound. Its not nearly as intense as the initial cut but it does do damage. The last two nights I've had dreams about her - I don't recall what they were about it. I think I'm doing good moving forward but those interactions remind me where I am. Also, mediation got canceled for today, which was nice since I was dreading it. Next session in two weeks.
The next day after this my son was on the phone with the same girl until 4am at my X's house. Anyhow, it got managed fine. Then I got the kids for the next five days which was great. Things went great with them and I just love having them around --now they are gone for the next five days.
I have some people coming over on Friday and then I have plans on Saturday too, so the weekend will be fine. I sent my X an email about the escalating costs for the divorce and asked her what she wanted the outcome to be. She wrote back saying she wanted her 50% plus support. I sent her a spreadsheet outlining what that looked like and asked if we could discuss it and heard nothing back. Over the next two weeks we have two meetings scheduled that will cost about $8k total. And our attorney's have been meeting to discuss things as well. Its really incredible. So far we've spent about $12k and I don't feel like we've gotten anywhere.
And then you all are going to love this -- I was supposed to get the kids for Easter but that represented some changes in the schedule that we decided on in January. I went back and reminded her about it and she said we should not make the change until next year. She then sighted the fact that we did Christmas this year at my house (which was before any negotiations) and said she would be willing to host Easter if I wanted to come over to her house.
Well, I fell for it. I was going to take my kids to FL for spring break to include Easter and then my X and I were going to flip some weekends around. When that fell through, I became less concerned with Easter and forgot that I was supposed to have them. So when she sent her "offer" I accepted it. I was shocked she invited me over - of course if she hadn't done that I'm sure I would have caught on and taken the kids with me.
Anyhow, I'm not going back to discuss it again. I am a little frustrated with it. If the next two mediations go bad then I will raise a stink about Easter.
In IC my counselor is working with me to listen to myself and my heart and to do what Brad wants not what other people expect of me or what others want. This is definitely an example of me not doing what I want. But there is still this stupid piece of me that wants to go over there, show her who I am now, in some weird hope that she changes her mind.
But what is so screwed up is that at the same time I don't want her back. She's a mess, a liar, and can't be trusted. My life is worse with her in it.
This is getting long, but oh well.
This past weekend I went to a BBQ with some friends and their wives. I really didn't know one of the women very well - I was shocked at how much they don't like my X. I mean they were saying some pretty gnarly stuff. In a weird way that felt validating for me, but I also felt bad for her that her reputation is so bad.
I also had an experience at the same party where my daughter hadn't eaten yet and one of the mom's offered to get her a plate. It was a weird experience because if my wife had done that while I was there I would have gotten chewed out for it. But when this woman did it she was so happy to just help out - I was able to relax and not worry. In the weirdest way it almost made me emotional.
I talked to my IC about that and about another incident where a woman was nice to me and he simply said "You just like being treated nice." That was actually profound. I haven't been treated nice in so long, with no strings attached, that when someone is nice to me I'm overwhelmed.
That is really screwed up. Anyhow, I'm rambling. That's all for now.
