Steve_letting go part 3.

[SteveLW]

Yeah. I knew I had 2x4’s coming. I expected them. I deserved them. I was not being honest mostly with myself. I absolutely continued to try to nice her back. It was actually because the reason she said she loved me is because I was so “nice to her” well.. yeah didn’t get me far. As far as the finances go I did go a bit out of my way to impress WW. But Regsrdless of what you may think I do much more for my kids. The last two days I took them to a dinosaur event, to the lake fishing and today I pulled out our old Traxxas RC trucks fixed them and showed my son how to drive them. They had a blast. I was financially hurting when I first separated, now I’m not as much. Far as the truck goes, I had been paying on it and just paid it off. It’s a 2011, not new. I know it seems like I am playing games with you guys, not hearing you, not understand you and that is not the case. I am a simple guy who was really dedicated to my marriage and family. I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days. Now it’s just disappointment, and not even In her, I know her she wasn’t ever going to come and fulfill my fantasy of wonderful reconciliation. I’m disappointed in myself for even giving in to my fantasy.

It seems her and I are similar, she is off living a fantasy life where there are no consequences for destroying your family, because I allow that. And I am doing the same thing destroying my kids by doing nothing to stop myself from coming undone.

It seems so far the Only things I do correct are work my shifts, take care of my patients and try to keep my kids happy but disciplined as well. As far as being a man other than that I have been failing hard. It’s due to a fear of loss. I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.

I have spent the last 5 days since my major backslide talking to friends, spending time with the kids, and working on nee diet foods. I actually have tried to distract myself as much as I humanly can. My friends at work shake their head when I tell them what I’ve done. I get it, I F’d up. And Until I grow the balls to walk away from this dumpster fire I’ll stay part of the burning trash. It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD I haven’t attempted any games to nice her or anything. I’m starting to feel like this is getting real, it’s happening, and I don’t want to fight it anymore. At this point I am exhausted of screwing up and I just want to do nothing. I think about my M a lot, I am depressed yes, but for once, I actually stopped believing there is anything In this world I can do to change this.

I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her. Actual progress, I do not want to keep posting up a journal of failure for y’all to keep reading and being disappointed. I will have 2 good weeks, I am almost 1/2 there. Then I will post it. And go from there. Time to just rip the band aid off. Tried everything else at this point. Wish me luck.

Steve_ one of the reasons I still post here is because I truly feel for the LBS going through these situations. Most of them were decent human-beings, though flawed, going about their daily lives thinking they were with someone that loved and cared about them as much as they did. I see very few LBSs here that were as terrible of a spouse as I was. I feel that I got what I deserved in both of my past sitches, and actually not even close to what I really deserved. Most Ws would have left a husband like me for good and not looked back. So when I see LBSs like you that were doing 90% of the right things, and just have a terrible spouse they've chosen, I feel for them. I want to help them. I want them to look ahead to an awesome life and go live it.

So the only disappointment I have is that you allow yourself to keep getting kicked where it counts. You are a good guy, doing what you thought was best for you, your kids, and your MR. The problem is not you Steve_, and this is what we all have been trying to show you. You could become the greatest catch in the history of men, and this women is incapable of being a faithful, loving spouse for you. Your love and desire to do good blinds you to that fact. Because you are a good guy and she takes advantage of that.

It reminds me of a good friend of mine I grew up with. In the 90s he met this beautiful, younger woman. She was 19 I believe, and she looked like Leeza Gibbons. He was head over heels for her. He was gainfully employed, making really good money, and he won her over by spoiling her. When I was around them I got the impression it was a very one-sided relationship. She liked the attention, the money, the cars, the house. I had a bad feeling my friend was in for future heartbreak, and sure enough a few months in she broke up with him. He was devastated. 4 weeks into the breakup she called him to tell him that she was 6 weeks pregnant. My friend was thrilled. They were getting back together to raise the baby. I tried to talk some sense into him, that he could coparent to raise the baby with her without being with her. But his mind was made up, and they got engaged.

I went to the wedding. Here was the 20 year-old girl, and this 25 year-old man. He was very serious and wanted to commit his life to this girl. The girl? She was giggling, outright laughing, through the whole ceremony. It was as if it were all a big joke to her. It lasted less than 2 years. He found out she was talking to other guys, he blew up and got physical with her (a side of him I had never seen). When her dad came over to protect her, my friend beat her dad up (he was one of the physically toughest guys I ever knew). She left and never came back. They coparented, he ended up getting every other weekend with his daughter. We remained fairly close for a few more years after, but he never recovered, was sad, and I knew that he would take her back in a heartbeat, even though she ended up remarrying.

I think about stories like that when I see situations like yours. I wonder if you were honest with yourself how serious she ever really was about your marriage and your family. Or was she just a girl playing house, but wanting to live her own life too?

Steve_, please do not give up on IC altogether. Find another IC that is better suited, one that can help with codependency issues. And please keep posting here. We are here for you. Yes you get 2x4s, but it isn't all 2x4s! We want to support you and help into the next chapter of your life!