Steve_letting go part 3.

[sandi2]

I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.

Independent counseling is what you need at this time. Marriage counseling or couples counseling would not help right now. If the current IC actually went with the wine & dine idea.......find another IC. You need help/guidance in how to work on your fear. There's not much you can do to work on the MR until you fix the inside of Steve.

When you know 2x4's are coming........do you block them out? I'm glad you at least admitted you didn't post first b/c you knew we'd say no. Yet, you went with the wine & dine fantasy anyway. I find it interesting how you call it a fantasy. That's how most WW's get involved with someone outside the M. Some women can even have an EA with a fictional character. If you recognize it was more fantasy than reality to have the date with your WW, then think about how you will handle it the next time. Have a plan, Steve. Don't fly by the seat of your pants. We've been telling you for months that she is not going to wake up or come to her senses over night. With whatever extra mental issues that plaque her, it will take more time and she will need to be under a doctor's care, IMHO. At the very least, she needs to get a diagnosis, but that won't be enough if she doesn't treat the problem.

I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days.

To "out love" sounds like something that might be said in a church group setting, and some people have the ability to quietly sit on the sidelines, waiting for a long time, trying to out love their spouse's waywardness. Here's the thing, Steve. Her waywardness and whatever else is going on with her has nothing to do with your ability to love her more or love her longer than her waywardness & mental/emotional issues. Even if it were, you would still need to back off, give her space, go NC, GAL, 180, etc., etc. You'd still be separated, and if not.......then you are still at her mercy. That's how you look to me. Completely at her mercy to twist you up & over & around again.

Let me ask you something. If you can't out love it, what do you have left? What is the one thing I preach to you H's who have a WW? RESPECT! Respect yourself. Start there, and forget about dating her, playing cards with her at the in-laws, sneaking in a chat here & there. She will know immediately when you truly start respecting yourself.

Don't say anything to her about your respect, or how you plan to show self respect, etc. I get so sick of LBH's taking what we tell them to do and they run tell their WW. Sorry, but telling her has no effect. She has to see it in action!

It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD

You drown out the positive words of hope these other men have been telling you, by staying focused on how difficult it is, and how much you love her, yada, yada, yada. Okay, it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. You don't want to do it. We get it. But just as we have to teach our children how they will encounter hard things to do in life, they must focus on what's the "right thing to do". How do you, Steve, determine what is the right thing to do in other situations?

I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her.


Do you remember my recent thread where I asked people not to wait until they had an "update" to post? This board is going to die out if people stop posting. Do you see Cadet posting updates in his life, or Another Stander, or me? You are missing the point. Talk about something else. Talk about what you are reading, or working on. At least post on other threads of newcomers. You can certainly identify with them, and warn them of things that wasn't successful for you. Reading other threads can sometime help you see your own sitch more clearly.