What still compels you to answer his calls? I get why he's calling--he's having big feelings and doesn't know how to self-soothe. In the past, he's relied on abuse, road rage, and venting to you. He may not want to show that side of himself to OW. You say you "caved", but what were you feeling that made you answer?
Honestly.... its the feeling of LOSS OF CONTROL = FEAR. I have not been able to put all of my fears to bed.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
What were you feeling that made you keep listening? If my ex-wife called at 4am I might answer to see if her house burned down, but I'd be extricating myself soon after.
Well I would not have answered at 4am - that's just when the texts started... and when I continued to not respond by 3pm things on his end escalated and I called.
Practicing listening. We had gotten into a bad habit of talking over each other in a desperate means to be heard. He has been listening and if he interrupts we both stop talking and he tells me to go ahead. The validation comments make sure that I'm taking time to hear him and not interrupt him with my own thoughts/concerns. One of my 180's is making sure he feels heard - pointless as we are getting D and contact is so infrequent.
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?" I just dropped it.
That sounds disrespectful--a good opportunity to hang-up.
Maybe??? I think its just more part of his elaborate lies. He cannot admit OW at all.... so admitting he would get remarried would have to be admitting her??? Not my circus, not my monkeys. Zero expectations on everything.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING.
It sounds like you're realizing what you two share is not a friendship. I suspect your interactions (puppy care, venting) would not be at a balance point even if he cleaned the gutters? My ex-GF had someone who regularly vented to her, but the venter always provided nice meals and drinks in exchange.
Of course I cannot mind read but I would suspect that STBXH "thinks" he has done a lot for our friendship??? I'm certain his perception is far different from mine. But, seriously he has not done anything a "friend" would do.... AND, I am frankly to nice and accommodating to him.
The one thing he did say during our conversation "We have been communicating/talking with each so much better than... than... in a really long time". I just agreed... and then rambled... I really need to learn to say less... less is more... saying nothing is more... when in doubt do nothing...
