Steve_letting go part 3.

[Steve_]

Yeah. I knew I had 2x4’s coming. I expected them. I deserved them. I was not being honest mostly with myself. I absolutely continued to try to nice her back. It was actually because the reason she said she loved me is because I was so “nice to her” well.. yeah didn’t get me far. As far as the finances go I did go a bit out of my way to impress WW. But Regsrdless of what you may think I do much more for my kids. The last two days I took them to a dinosaur event, to the lake fishing and today I pulled out our old Traxxas RC trucks fixed them and showed my son how to drive them. They had a blast. I was financially hurting when I first separated, now I’m not as much. Far as the truck goes, I had been paying on it and just paid it off. It’s a 2011, not new. I know it seems like I am playing games with you guys, not hearing you, not understand you and that is not the case. I am a simple guy who was really dedicated to my marriage and family. I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days. Now it’s just disappointment, and not even In her, I know her she wasn’t ever going to come and fulfill my fantasy of wonderful reconciliation. I’m disappointed in myself for even giving in to my fantasy.

It seems her and I are similar, she is off living a fantasy life where there are no consequences for destroying your family, because I allow that. And I am doing the same thing destroying my kids by doing nothing to stop myself from coming undone.

It seems so far the Only things I do correct are work my shifts, take care of my patients and try to keep my kids happy but disciplined as well. As far as being a man other than that I have been failing hard. It’s due to a fear of loss. I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.

I have spent the last 5 days since my major backslide talking to friends, spending time with the kids, and working on nee diet foods. I actually have tried to distract myself as much as I humanly can. My friends at work shake their head when I tell them what I’ve done. I get it, I F’d up. And Until I grow the balls to walk away from this dumpster fire I’ll stay part of the burning trash. It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD I haven’t attempted any games to nice her or anything. I’m starting to feel like this is getting real, it’s happening, and I don’t want to fight it anymore. At this point I am exhausted of screwing up and I just want to do nothing. I think about my M a lot, I am depressed yes, but for once, I actually stopped believing there is anything In this world I can do to change this.

I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her. Actual progress, I do not want to keep posting up a journal of failure for y’all to keep reading and being disappointed. I will have 2 good weeks, I am almost 1/2 there. Then I will post it. And go from there. Time to just rip the band aid off. Tried everything else at this point. Wish me luck.