Glad to see my post made it on here! The forum crashed while I was responding to all of you last night so I never finished and still want to write a reply to you Oceangl.
I know (and can admit) that I am sort of a control freak. But I think it's because I am the type of person who is very thoughtful in making decisions and once I do, I am sort of solid on them. So I don't deal with change after my decisions well. As for being competitive, not at all...at least not in the common sense. I enjoy winning, but I don't need to win. If that makes sense. Most hobbies and situations that I enjoy most are mostly competing with myself in the sense that I feed off my own self improvement. I know, I'm a bit odd.
As for seeing my wanting to reconcile as maybe wanting to be in control of saying "I'm the one walking away", I find that interesting. In my mind, I feel I need to understand where his heart and head was and is during reconciliation. I need to know that there is true remorse for what happened, I need to know that he will put me and our relationship above his whims, etc. I need to feel respected, loved, and supported. Things that I value in a relationship and in a partner. If I see that person in reconciliation, I feel that I may be able to forgive. But if I don't, then I value myself enough to walk away with a clear conscious, knowing that I gave it my all but also stood for what matters to me. Does that make sense? And I would not feel good if I 'won' him from the OW by competitive pressure, so that is why I have tried very hard to follow everyone's direction and not pursue and try to act without pressure. I'm struggling, but trying at least. As I do want choosing me/our MR to be his choice. Then it will be a real choice.
I am doing my best to take this time slowly. It feels like this has been going on for so long, but in reality, it's hasn't. Just a few months. So I need to recognize that slow moving time...and allow for more. And patience. I am already stronger...so that is a good thing.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
