One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

This is a common misconception by LBSs. LBSs see to things binary. Either you are standing, OR you are moving forward with D. However, these things are much more complex than that. And you can show you are not willing to be plan B and still stand for your marriage. This is a huge topic and probably can't be covered in a single post. But standing for your marriage is not equal to being plan B. You can stand for your marriage and still refuse to be plan B.

I know your situation is such that being the one to file has benefits, and if that is what you need to do so be it. Many LBSs are morally opposed to D, and therefore cannot bring themselves to be the one to file. But that doesn't mean that they have to settle for being plan B. Many of the actions that are espoused here are are keyed towards not being plan B:

- Kicking a cheating spouse out of the MBR
- Asking a cheating spouse to leave the house
- Not allowing disrespect (ending the conversation and walking away)
- Listening and validating, not engaging in arguing and explaining
- Focus on you and your kids, drop focus from the WAS
- Not actively helping in the D, but not hindering it either (make the WAS do the dirty work)
- GAL (this is important, to reestablish connections, friendships, activities, hobbies you may have let languish)
- Move forward with your life!

I'm trying not to be too binary, but I am finding myself struggling with everything. I do want to stand, I don't want to be divorced, I didn't want to be the one to file first. These were the values and feelings that I began this journey with. I feel forced into a D, for my own financial protection.

I also get that PA is a deal breaker for you. And, I am still trying to understand if it is a deal breaker for me. I guess I just never expected to be in this sitch and thought I would never stand if I was with someone who cheated, but there is a part of me that is wanting to stand. But I have no way of knowing IF I CAN forgive for this. I don't think I can know unless we tried to reconcile. So, for now that has been where my head is at. And of course I would prefer to stay married with the hope of saving my marriage, but with no guarantees, I can't risk my future on him. This current him. So in doing this, I am standing for myself first. At least that is what I am telling myself in my head and heart. I can still stand for the hope of reconciliation, but I can't save the marriage at this point and save myself. Is that selfish of me? Whatever name you put on me, in his eyes, I am Plan B. At least right now. I know I am the prize, but he may never see that.

As for your checklist above...yes, I'm trying! I have this little list printed out and put in my wallet so I can remind myself of the things to do for me. Thank you!