Oceangrl: Update on MR and LRT sitch

[Oceangl]

Updating my situation:

Four years after I found out about his long-term emotional and physical affair (w a good family friend), he has filed for D. He basically gave me a choice; he would stay with me as a roommate until the kids were out of the house, and if something magically happened between us in that time, great. And amazing choice B was divorce. Of course, in his version we are best friends and can "take care of each other better as friends then M partners" was his vision.

I told him that I did not want to live the next eight years as roommates with my husband in a sexless (by his choice) marriage. He has this need to look like a good guy to people, and so I think cutting off sex and being a roommate was his way of pushing me to file so he could say it was what I wanted. In the end, I told him I would not be his roommate. I would either work with him to make the marriage we both wanted, or he would need to file. I said while I don't agree it is the right choice, I am not going to play games or force anyone to be with me who doesn't want to be. He finally filed at the beginning of February.

I am sad of course, but also seeing more and more of who he is. And I don't want to be treated like that anymore. I am also feeling the weight of telling our kids. I really dread it, and it is emotionally draining for me. I feel like I am in survival mode. I think I'm doing a great job of survival mode, I am civil, and doing my best to plan and see a happy future for me. I want to go through the grief process but not get stuck in it. I am in the acceptance part with a heaping dose of anger. I mainly handle that anger by journaling, talking to a couple close friends, and my IC. I haven't had any conversations other than the basics with him before today and when he filed.

Here's what I am grappling with. While he has moved to another bedroom, we are still living together. He travels for work and is usually gone a week at a time. When he is gone, I do so much better. I am basically NC with him unless it is a matter with children. I go through the normal grieving process. We were last apart for about 20 days, and I was doing well. Now he is back. And it is so hard on me. While I don't do this, I want to first take my anger out at him in one moment, and in another ask him if there is any chance we could try again. OMG I am so embarrassed even typing that. I don't want him back, so why does that pop in my head? I often retreat to my bedroom alone so I can cry for a minute and then get back to life. I have told him I want him to move out asap, that this is hard on me. That I am going through a grief process and I experience anger and sadness and it's harder when he is around. He wants to be friends and is hooked on the word "amicable." I said I don't want to be his friend right now, and I don't have any friends who treat me the way he does. I said maybe one day it will be like that, I don't know, but it's not now. I said I can be civil and professional, and I have no desire to punish. I want this process over with as quickly as possible. But I don't want to be friends. His concern is we don't know what the finances will be, and he doesn't want to move out until he knows what he can afford and what the parenting plan will look like. He also doesn't want to tell the kids until he can say exactly what will happen.

While I care very much about my kids and their mental and emotional health, mine is important also. I feel like we could tell them we are divorcing and that there will be two households. And let them know more when we know more. He doesn't agree. The separation is also hard on me, and I'm trying to figure out how to get through the time he is here in a better way.

We are going through a collaborative divorce, which means that we both have an L to guide us, but we work as a team with a neutral financial facilitator and a second neutral facilitator for other matters like parenting, etc. It's also a quicker and less expensive process. Having said that, he wants us to decide things ahead of time. I don't, because I know he will try to get me to go without things, and I want the guidance of the L before I make any decisions. He said, okay fine, if you want this to be more expensive than we can do it that way. It's not what I think we should do, but if that's what YOU want. This is something he does often to get me to do something by making me feel bad. I called him out on that and said that's exactly why I want an L there. I said I have shown you so far my intentions, that I don't want this dragged out and I don't want to play games. But I also want to make sure I am doing this in the wisest way possible. You have to remember, this is someone who hid a bank account and a car from me when he was having his A. So while I don't think he's like that anymore, I won't be taking chances now that I know it's possible.

Whew, okay that's the written info dump from me. Thanks for staying with me. I value all your input and experience and I'm so glad to have this place. Especially during this time. After telling him how hard it was to be around him, and how I didn't want to do the fake happy family thing, he just asked if we all want to go to the gym together as a family tonight. Good grief. Sounds so painful to me right now. So do I go, or have everyone else go, and I stay home alone? I hate when there are no good choices.