Hi Elbereth, this caught my eye:

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I don't want to be a Plan B, but if I 'stand', isn't that essentially what I am? It is messed up, but I think that is why we must drop the rope to have self-respect and to protect ourselves. Plan B becomes instead something else....like that amazing person I was dumb enough to lose....which is much more of what I would like to be thought of.


This is a common misconception by LBSs. LBSs see to things binary. Either you are standing, OR you are moving forward with D. However, these things are much more complex than that. And you can show you are not willing to be plan B and still stand for your marriage. This is a huge topic and probably can't be covered in a single post. But standing for your marriage is not equal to being plan B. You can stand for your marriage and still refuse to be plan B.

I know your situation is such that being the one to file has benefits, and if that is what you need to do so be it. Many LBSs are morally opposed to D, and therefore cannot bring themselves to be the one to file. But that doesn't mean that they have to settle for being plan B. Many of the actions that are espoused here are are keyed towards not being plan B:

- Kicking a cheating spouse out of the MBR
- Asking a cheating spouse to leave the house
- Not allowing disrespect (ending the conversation and walking away)
- Listening and validating, not engaging in arguing and explaining
- Focus on you and your kids, drop focus from the WAS
- Not actively helping in the D, but not hindering it either (make the WAS do the dirty work)
- GAL (this is important, to reestablish connections, friendships, activities, hobbies you may have let languish)
- Move forward with your life!

I can only speak for myself, but a spouse in a PA is a dealbreaker for me. That is where my line in the sand is drawn. Short of that I would be in the morally-opposed to D camp, and therefore personally couldn't participate in the D, though I wouldn't stand in the way. In my situation I contacted a lawyer, mainly to dispel some garbage my WAW was feeding me (we could do a quicky, online divorce for $400, etc). He immediately tried to talk me into being the one to file for D because that would give me an advantage. However, I could never bring myself to that since my W had not been involved in a PA (hers was a long-distance EA). But I also refused to be plan B, and started taking the necessary steps to make that clear.

So in short (TLDR) not being plan B and being the one to file or move the D along is not the same thing. You can refuse to be plan B but also not be the one to file for D. However, if you feel you cannot do both, then no one will fault you for being the one to file for D! That is within your right to do.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018