One foot in front of the other

[DnJ]

Good Morning E

I have felt that even if I could forgive my H someday, my friends/family would not, and that is unfair to me, when it's really about my life, not theirs. You would think they would support us in our decisions, but instead, I feel they would be a roadblock to saving my MR.

Family and friends will follow your lead; make it a good one. Be the lighthouse to them as well.

If I expressed exhaustion, or needed support in return, he got even more frustrated as he said he didn't have the bandwidth.

A person in crisis has their emotions cranked to eleven. Then cannot handle your’s or anyone else’s emotions, they can’t even handle their own. Affairs and fantasy life, running away from all of life’s responsibilities, cognitive dissonance, and consuming depression, are hallmark behaviours of a Mid Life Crisis.

Was this extreme stress that we had in our lives that just pushed him to the edge or was this the real him that finally showed itself? Then other thoughts go through my head, like did he drive the other women in his life to search for love and respect from others? And that is why they cheated on him? Is he just a weak person, or does he really only care about himself?

It is common for us to analyze and look for a cause and blame. You knew H, you completely believed that he would never cheat on you. (Take comfort, I completely trusted my XW. Completely! Absolutely!)

Do not rewrite your own history. MLC is a strange thing. Our once loving spouse becomes an alien. They blow up their life, and everyone’s around them. And we try to find answers in that which we know. However, most of us don’t know about MLC; it ain’t like it’s portrayed in Hollywood. MLC is a terrible thing, a foreign thing, and it takes quite a shift in our perception to understand it.

Is this just who he was underneath? We all pull the small signs of the past, and the “remembered” signs, to help find answers. Careful not to rewrite your history, not to skew the data. He is a different person now. This might be the new and permanent him, or it might not be. That is really up to him.

I'm doing the D to protect my financial situation.

Good for you!

But, it's not an excuse and it doesn't mean that he would be forgiven. What he's done and the decisions he has made have repercussions and I am not even sure I could ever forgive him for it.

Your capacity to forgive will probably surprise you. If you want it.

I don't want to be a Plan B, but if I 'stand', isn't that essentially what I am?

Depends on who and why you are standing. It’s not for H, or M. Stand for you. Stand for your beliefs, values, and convictions.

You are Plan A. The prize. Whether H ever sees that or not, changes nothing. You are worthy! Never sell yourself short.

Be the way, standing really starts when one is healed enough to stand down. Up to that point “standing” is the default; more a byproduct of our healing path. After that, it is a choice.

I just wish I knew if this is who is truly is and it took awhile for him drop the veil, or if this is the man in crisis that deserves me being the lighthouse for?

Be the lighthouse for yourself.

As you said, you only control you.

Be the lighthouse of your life. Kids, family, and friends will follow your fine example.

There is plenty of journey ahead of you, ahead for all us. Life’s path is full of surprises, troubles, wonders, opportunities, and blessings; be open to it. Be patient, live today well, and let the unknown future unfold in its own time.

Acceptance and forgiveness are hard earned, along with the wisdom one picks up along the way. Pretty good headings for a great life, in my humble opinion.

Have a great day E.

D