One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

I am sorry you are here. I have tried to read all of the posts in this thread to familiarize myself but I didn't go back further. I am glad you are getting good support from the community here. It can be hard sometimes with friends IRL because they care so much for us and want to give us advice, and that at times it can feel judgmental and hurtful too. Here we all have a similar sitch and understanding and also the safety of privacy. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this in my threads, but I got dumped by one of my closest friends and support people at the same time my H came back. She never told me why but we didn't have a falling out or a conflict. She just disappeared from my life and when I reached out she told me "it's not you, it's me ..." So as much as our friends and family want what us best for us, the choices we make also has an effect on them.

Wow, I can't imagine what that must have felt like for you. I'm so sorry. I agree that sometimes the choices we make does affect them, and not always positively. I have felt that even if I could forgive my H someday, my friends/family would not, and that is unfair to me, when it's really about my life, not theirs. You would think they would support us in our decisions, but instead, I feel they would be a roadblock to saving my MR.

You mentioned that his last M ended with adultery and so it appears history is repeating itself. And while I do believe that people can change, they have to want to first. It seems he is one of those people that moves onto the next relationships seeking comfort and validation from someone new instead of dealing with the issues in the M that he has in front of him. That is a pretty big character flaw IMO. It is also a pattern. Patterns repeat unless the individual is aware of it and motivated to break it. He expresses feeling guilty for hurting you, but that is not the same as wanting to understand why he is making theses choices. ... BTW, my H had the same patterns and he did return to our M. When I met him 20 years ago he started to take an interest in me even tho he already had a GF ....

To clarify, his XW and XGF both cheated ON HIM, one after the other. He was very devastated and it took a lot for him to get passed that. And that is why I trusted him so completely...that he would never do such a thing knowing how horrible it felt. Alas, I was wrong, obviously.

As for 'big character flaws' I've been thinking a lot about this the last few days...and struggling a bit. There is a part of me that wonders if some of these terrible traits I saw in the last few years are character flaws that I ignored or made excuses for? I've been thinking about how selfish he had become over time, and how no matter how much I did to try to support his needs, the more it felt like failure. It wasn't that he blamed me for his unhappiness or stress, but that he expected me to be the strong one and would tell me that he couldn't deal with things, or that he needed me to do more, etc, as if he was the only one dealing with a lot of stress and problems (or at least his were 'bigger' or 'more important' than mine). If I expressed exhaustion, or needed support in return, he got even more frustrated as he said he didn't have the bandwidth. So, in looking at the last few years, it does feel like I didn't matter as much as I should have. That my needs were secondary to his (and the kids). Was this extreme stress that we had in our lives that just pushed him to the edge or was this the real him that finally showed itself? Then other thoughts go through my head, like did he drive the other women in his life to search for love and respect from others? And that is why they cheated on him? Is he just a weak person, or does he really only care about himself?

May brought up that she doesn't like the term plan B and I totally get that. Heck, I was plan B for the duration of my H's A, but really he was a confused mess, so what does that even matter who is A, B, C? I think sometimes we say "plan B" to empower the poster to remove themselves from feeling, and appearing, that they are vying for the affections of someone who has eyes for someone else. Because no one wants to be that person, right? Ugh! I cringe at how I messed that up for sooooo long. And just as in May's sitch, it wasn't until I dropped the rope and let go of him, that he started to genuinely want me back .... Humans are messed up creatures!

What makes me cringe more than Plan B tho is the term MLC. I just still do not understand how using that benefits anyone. I could argue that my H was having a MLC as much as anyone on here. But how does that help my sitch? Yes he was in a crisis, yes he was mid life, and depressed, and changed his personality and became an alien, and had an affair and yes it lasted awhile (before my BD for a couple years I think), but so what? He also was unhappy with me and our M and that is also one of the reasons he left. It is not one or the other. So by labeling our spouse as having a MLC, do we find some comfort in believing that it has less to do with our M issues and more to do with their personal crisis? I just do not see the benefit of it. Either way, our M is in crisis, we are not their personal psychiatrist to diagnose them (which by the way it is not recognized by the DSM) and our focus should be on us and what we can control. We can only control our own behavior, choices and mood. Yes, mood. As we learn to care for ourselves better and detach, our mood will slowly improve over time and we will have more good days than bad.

I don't want to be a Plan B, but if I 'stand', isn't that essentially what I am? It is messed up, but I think that is why we must drop the rope to have self-respect and to protect ourselves. Plan B becomes instead something else....like that amazing person I was dumb enough to lose....which is much more of what I would like to be thought of.

As for MLC, I think it helped me a lot to understand and to see some reasons for this hell I've been living the last few years...and that some of it wasn't my fault. Yea, we both were unhappy in the MR. But I was trying and he was in La La land. None of this knowledge changes what happened, but I personally find some 'comfort' if you can call it that, in believing that a lot of the issues were due to his crisis. But, it's not an excuse and it doesn't mean that he would be forgiven. What he's done and the decisions he has made have repercussions and I am not even sure I could ever forgive him for it. So, yeah, I see what you mean, but for me, feeling that he is in MLC helps me to deal with all of this better than if I had just felt like everything I had tried to do for my MR was a failure on my part. Maybe that is crazy...as I really have no clinical proof.

I see you are talking to an L and also want to file. You guys are having a lot of D talks. Are you sure this is what you want? Because thats not clear to me. If there is any part of you that thinks you may want to save your M at some point, I think it's better not to discuss any of this with him. The more you guys have R or D talks, the more you are reminding him that this is what he thinks he wants. I am firm believer that less is more. Distance, time and space are the safest route. Less conversations and less replies to anything that isn't urgent. It better for your mental health too. Time does heal all. For some it's just a longer process!

He's been pushing for the D, and I have tried to avoid R and D talks as much as possible. I agree with you that less is more. Mostly, I've just been trying to get him to sign the agreement about funds he's spent and took from joint accounts. I didn't want a D. So I can see why you struggled to tell where my head was at. In principle I believe I committed to this MR and I can't feel good just handing him what he wants with a D. But I also feel threatened financially and with this being my second D, I'm already not in a strong financial position. So I can't just help fund his A and be left with scraps. I feel strongly that his AP visited him in his rental sometime during the last month. Why should I have to pay for that? So, I'm doing the D to protect my financial situation. If the A ended, I may not rush to D, but so far there is no sign that he is changing his mind, so I will move forward with D.

It's been hard because for financial reasons, it's better he stays at our home. And we still have his son (my Step-son) here too. So it's better for him too. But it is harder to detach and have space. But this last week while he was back, I did stay in other rooms, had him manage some meals, and I went out with friends some evenings. We spoke very little until the last day before he left on a trip. So, I will do my best to have less convos (especially R ones), less interaction, space and detachment, even if he is staying here. In part of the D we also have to start selling our H, so I think it will be temporary anyway...

You have given me a lot to think about the last few days. It was your comments that had me digging deeper into thinking about if my H has the character and the integrity that I want in a partner. I know that what I have seen the last few years is not what I want in a partner. I just wish I knew if this is who is truly is and it took awhile for him drop the veil, or if this is the man in crisis that deserves me being the lighthouse for? That question is still running though my head, and I guess I don't have to decide today. I just need to keep focusing on me and what I can control and the rest will come.

Thank you so much for your thoughts! I really appreciate them! Sorry if my response is way too long!