I am sorry you are here. I have tried to read all of the posts in this thread to familiarize myself but I didn't go back further. I am glad you are getting good support from the community here. It can be hard sometimes with friends IRL because they care so much for us and want to give us advice, and that at times it can feel judgmental and hurtful too. Here we all have a similar sitch and understanding and also the safety of privacy. I am not sure if I ever mentioned this in my threads, but I got dumped by one of my closest friends and support people at the same time my H came back. She never told me why but we didn't have a falling out or a conflict. She just disappeared from my life and when I reached out she told me "it's not you, it's me ..." So as much as our friends and family want what us best for us, the choices we make also has an effect on them.
When I read someone's threads I try and really think about what I can say that might be different or helpful. I don't want to reinvent the wheel or repeat what has already been said. You seem to have a level head and are doing great. It's so, so hard. I am glad you are adopting more self care (GAL) because it's the best way to combat the stress and also to look forward. A couple of things stood out to me in reading here that I wanted to point out.
You mentioned that his last M ended with adultery and so it appears history is repeating itself. And while I do believe that people can change, they have to want to first. It seems he is one of those people that moves onto the next relationships seeking comfort and validation from someone new instead of dealing with the issues in the M that he has in front of him. That is a pretty big character flaw IMO. It is also a pattern. Patterns repeat unless the individual is aware of it and motivated to break it. He expresses feeling guilty for hurting you, but that is not the same as wanting to understand why he is making theses choices. ... BTW, my H had the same patterns and he did return to our M. When I met him 20 years ago he started to take an interest in me even tho he already had a GF ....
May brought up that she doesn't like the term plan B and I totally get that. Heck, I was plan B for the duration of my H's A, but really he was a confused mess, so what does that even matter who is A, B, C? I think sometimes we say "plan B" to empower the poster to remove themselves from feeling, and appearing, that they are vying for the affections of someone who has eyes for someone else. Because no one wants to be that person, right? Ugh! I cringe at how I messed that up for sooooo long. And just as in May's sitch, it wasn't until I dropped the rope and let go of him, that he started to genuinely want me back .... Humans are messed up creatures!
What makes me cringe more than Plan B tho is the term MLC. I just still do not understand how using that benefits anyone. I could argue that my H was having a MLC as much as anyone on here. But how does that help my sitch? Yes he was in a crisis, yes he was mid life, and depressed, and changed his personality and became an alien, and had an affair and yes it lasted awhile (before my BD for a couple years I think), but so what? He also was unhappy with me and our M and that is also one of the reasons he left. It is not one or the other. So by labeling our spouse as having a MLC, do we find some comfort in believing that it has less to do with our M issues and more to do with their personal crisis? I just do not see the benefit of it. Either way, our M is in crisis, we are not their personal psychiatrist to diagnose them (which by the way it is not recognized by the DSM) and our focus should be on us and what we can control. We can only control our own behavior, choices and mood. Yes, mood. As we learn to care for ourselves better and detach, our mood will slowly improve over time and we will have more good days than bad.
I see you are talking to an L and also want to file. You guys are having a lot of D talks. Are you sure this is what you want? Because thats not clear to me. If there is any part of you that thinks you may want to save your M at some point, I think it's better not to discuss any of this with him. The more you guys have R or D talks, the more you are reminding him that this is what he thinks he wants. I am firm believer that less is more. Distance, time and space are the safest route. Less conversations and less replies to anything that isn't urgent. It better for your mental health too. Time does heal all. For some it's just a longer process!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
