She's OUT! #7

[Mumin]

Wow guys, the support her is so amazing!
Thank you LH, Sandi and U!

I think you still want to recon when I would prefer for you to really see her for who she is

I believe I am further along here than you might think. What is mostly holding me back (from totally ignoring her) is NGS and caring for the kids.

When you tell her you want to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and her as if nothing has happen........it might prove to be a bit of a problem. You see, Mumin, your WW needs to understand that everything has changed b/c of her choice to D you. Even having dialogues about the kids should be held in a business or professional style, rather than two old friends kicking back and talking about their kids whenever and no matter how many times per day.

Not sure if its you or me misunderstanding here but I told her that I CAN'T talk as if nothing happened.
I do stay business only, though showing feelings around the kids of course. Ex "It's so great to see D6 play with ...."
No contact at all with XW now and I hope it stays once a week and in the future even less.

So to sum it up and M you can correct me if I am wrong. You do not want to discuss anything with her other then the children. You still have issues with your NGS so you wanted to state one more time that you don't want to discuss anything but the children. Your hope is that she respects your wishes so you do not have to ignore her other questions in the future. So if you want to call it a "boundary" then the consequence of breaking the "boundary" is your silence.

I think there is a slight language barrier that is causing some of the confusion.

I can promise you she will test your strength regarding you stating your "boundary".

This is correctly summed up.
The only correction being I had never really stated that before.
I m 100% sure she will test me and I will need to remind myself because it will probably be in a few months time and very slightly, increasing if I let it.

Hey M ~

It's nice that she acknowledged your feelings via text. As someone who struggled with NGS, I know I would have read those texts and wanted them to mean at some level that my X was finally understanding me. I don't mean I would have lapped them up, but reading them through the NGS lens I would have felt a flicker of connection.

I can't say whether or not she actually cares how you feel, but at least be aware about how much *you* care about how much *she* cares. The less you care, the easier it will be to detach, to be confident in yourself, to set and enforce appropriate boundaries, and to avoid falling into NGS tendencies (which your W likely expects you to do).

I agree with the others that your boundaries will be tested. If you've ever seen "Jurassic Park", I like to think of my X as one of those velociraptors constantly throwing themselves into the electrified fence, just to test that it is still juiced. Boundaries require consistency over time. Kids do the same thing.

Hi U, long time! Thanks for checking in! How are you doing nowadays? Know you had a rough WW!
I mostly felt some sort of a victorious feeling afterwards.
I was glad she actually said sorry but like she said it isnt really enough. Though it might help me eventually forgive.
Love the Jurassic Park reference! It was my ABSOLUTE childhood favorite.

Her mindset is that they'll get over it.

This is so true!
Great last post there Sandi! IT should be read by newbies.
There sure is a chance she felt exactly that way (Whatever, he'll get over it) when she sent the "sorry text".
There also is a chance it was real remorse, but I will probably never know.
What's for certain is that no matter her words or excuses, I wouldn't believe them.
That would take years of actions.