I've been digging into this as well - the whole masculine/feminine dynamic and realizing how we were out of balance. I was definitely a nice guy but she also didn't like it when I stepped out of that role. I should've pushed the issue, but didn't. I know now not to listen to the words because she's likely not being truthful, whether she knows it or not. We were stuck in a cycle of her wanting me to step up and be closer and at the same time treating me in a way where the last thing I wanted to do was step up and be closer to her. I used to tell her how she would give me the silent treatment or cold shoulder and then get mad and say "WHY AREN'T YOU SUPPORTING ME?!?!?!" or something along those lines and I'd say "because you're pushing me away!" I get it now that she wanted me to ignore it all and just step up and "be a man." But she still takes no responsibility for her actions and doesn't see how she also contributed to our situation.
Hi Salty,
There are different opinions about what the masculine side of a relationship looks like in the modern world. You don't always have to lead. However, if your wife is saying "when I'm with my friends and they complain about their husbands, I always say my only complaint is I don't have one!" you've probably gone off the deep end on passivity. Living to please someone, lacking independent agency, is convenient but unattractive.
I met a woman who realized she'd learned from her mom to rule the household, and was trying to let that go, to have a better post-retirement relationship with her husband. These behaviors can be generational, picked up from years of watching her parents of your parents, picked up from your kids seeing you two.
