[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

STBXH emotions and mood will cycle. Pleasant to monster and back and forth.

I have a feeling that he may have doubts about whether he wants to go ahead with the divorce. I do want to keep it going, though, because I am convinced he has a very, very long way to go.

Feelings are interesting. You are most likely picking up his small behaviours from his confused doubts and his new actions (counselling, buying house, and such). These queues mingle with your hopes and craft a feeling. You are probably right. STBXH has doubts about his plan and actions. However, do you about your’s?

How should I respond to that? I know this may not happen but I want to be prepared to be on the safe side.

I want to continue with the divorce (as said, financial security + peace of mind for children), but at the same time I also want to make it clear to him that I want to be there if he is working on himself. (but you cannot say that explicitly ... or they run again ... ;))

Keep the divorce businesslike. To be rather plain and straightforward, do not divorce because H has a very very long road ahead of him - none of us know how long his path is. Do not divorce for peace of mind for your children - they can achieve peace regardless of your martial status. Do divorce if it is needed for your financial security. Elsewise leave the heavy lifting to H.

You’ve stated you need the financial security and are proceeding with D. Feelings do muddy things a bit. Ensure your actions are logical and sound and not based upon emotions. For now and for the previous decision to divorce.

How to respond? This is twofold (at least). Would you consider delaying divorce proceedings? If so, why? Just a feeling or an actual recognized behavioural change that indicates possible betterment of H’s self outlook? Tough question, even tougher answer.

Do you want to be there for him if he is making progress? If so, in what capacity? Wife, friend, ex wife and kids’ Mom, or gal which may consider investigating the possibly of a future R? Or any mixture thereof I suppose.

So, how to respond is a difficult question with so many variables. Let’s simplify it a bit.

You only control you.

Do not attempt to manipulate H’s path. If his current wanting to purchase the house, and his present IC visits, actually continue and show long term demonstrated behaviours which lead to healing and better times for him, great. Encourage him, and remain backed off. It is his path.

If you desire or are willing to explore a possible reconciliation, H needs to walk his path all the way to the end. To when and where he consistently demonstrates good behaviours. An awakening is more than a single event or few moments. Many months of a calmer and healthier H will take place wth fewer and fewer relapses; you will know when he is ready. During that time you walk your path.

If you do not desire that, H still needs to walk his path. And you still walk your’s.

Which leads to - you control you.

What do you wants and need? Do you need financial security? Or is the D more from frustration? Or are you through? By the way, I do not believe you are through with him, otherwise you’d not be willing to be there if he works on himself. So...

If H comes out and states his doubts about D, tell him precisely why you are divorcing him and when and how you’d encourage him while he is working on himself. (This would include the D delay if you so choose that path) Without communication, accurate clear communication, nothing will be dealt with as well as it could be. For the most part, the MLCer or WAS is not going to be open and honest or listen to open and honest feedback. However, H might; and that is worth a shot. If he runs, then he wasn’t ready. If he doesn’t run...hmmm.

I suggest this because of H’s recent actions not his words. Give it some time to see how consistent he is.

You only can control you. Divorce is just a piece of paper. Keep it businesslike (mostly) and stand for you.

D