Thank you! I really have decided to make myself a priority these days. I have neglected myself so much, it’s not even funny. I’ve put myself, my needs, and feelings last pretty much my whole life. Always afraid I was selfish, or hurting someone else if I gave myself some attention and peace, even if everyone else in my life didn’t agree with it.
I continue to take care of my health. Seeing the doctors I need to, and I exercise every single day. I may not be thin, but I’m much healthier. My resting heart rate is in the low 60’s and I checked out great at my physical. I got my MRI and I do indeed have herniated discs leaning on my nerves and will be getting an epidural injection for that. I am really looking forward to relief because the beautiful weather is here. I can’t wait to ride my bike, hike, kayak, and paddle board. Paddle boarding is so much fun. D13 enjoys these activities too.
I had renovations to my house and it’s coming along nicely. I made a workout room for myself which also includes a bar! I have this little extra room off my living room and I have optimized it. My kitchen is coming along, and my next step is my counters and backsplash. My stimulus check should help with that. I continue with my second job, and I might pick up a third.... COVID vaccinator! It would be so awesome to take part in that.
Dating : I might be ready. My change in my physical appearance was holding me back. But I’m doing something about it and well, I’m still attractive. It’s all in how I carry it. I wasn’t used to the changes. But if I don’t project confidence, whether I am thin or not, it won’t be attractive either way. I must admit, I do love how I just don’t worry about anyone but me and the kid lately. I’m not chatting with any guys from online, I’m not having to find time for anyone else.... I just worry about me and the kiddo. I do what I want with my free time. OTOH, I am just so craving companionship and intimacy, I might be willing to sacrifice some of my utter freedom for the right guy. But wow, I realize it would really have to be the right guy. I was going through my past encounters relationships, and I was pathetic. Never really respected myself. I refuse to ever disrespect myself again. I am almost 41. For the love of god, I need to show myself some love and respect! Well, my new friends want to hook me up. I would actually prefer that route. I have been open to it.
Speaking of relationships..... a part of my exit from constant social media kind of has me ashamed. My last single social media friends ( people I know, people I went to high school with, fellow single/divorced folk) have all found serious relationship ships recently. Have come out about them publicly, are buying houses, showing all the love. I’m so happy for them. But feel awful for myself. I can’t help but think “what is wrong with me? Why am I still single, and why am I meant to be alone?” And this is different from the happy couple stuff of long time married couples. These are people I know are happy and finally, after struggle have found what they had hoped for. It should be inspirational. But instead I feel like sh!t about myself.
What can I do? I stay off social media, check it once a day, go on and enjoy the highlights of my singledom. But I can’t help but feel? “When in the he!! Will it be my turn already?!”
And I can’t lie. I wonder what my ex thinks about me being single 13 later. Like he was right, there really is something wrong with me. No one has wanted me or committed to me in 13 years. He must have been right about whatever he thought was unlovable and leaves me about me. I’m working hard on letting this go. I shouldn’t care what he thinks at all. And I’m assuming he thinks that. But from the outside , wow, Ginger must really be defective.
I’m still holding on to maybe the universe is holding me out for something incredible.
If you made it this far, you’re awesome.
I’m really doing better than I have in a very long time, even if I still have dark thoughts. I can get away from them pretty easily. I am finally , in a long time, comfortable and happy in life
