Another LBH (not kinda) pt. 5

[SaltyDog]

Here's how I see it, FWIW. If it's a case where the W is fed up with a loser husband and hands him a list of all her complaints, maybe he can get his act in gear and save the MR. I tend to think this happens more in line of a walk away wife who usually has more legit reasons for wanting to leave her H. Usually, it's due to him being a lousy H. It may be abuse, neglect, criminal, addiction issues, having an affair, or whatever is normally defined as legit reasons. In other words, he usually did something that earned her disrespect and she left. On the other hand, if it's a case where the W has developed a wayward mindset and feels no attraction/desire for him that's a different animal, b/c it's her fault, so to speak. She feels no attraction b/c she no longer respects him. However, her loss of respect is due to him basically being the weaker spouse. I mean, she wears the pants in the relationship. Her negative attitude breeds resentment, selfishness, sense of entitlement, disrespect, rebellion, cold heart, etc. Her reasons for wanting out of the M usually has a secret agenda attached, like pursuing an affair, or engaging in a GGW lifestyle. I'm not saying her H is totally innocent in the downfall of the MR, but it's too long to go into everything here.

In my case I would say the latter. I was the weaker spouse, I was the pleaser, I was the employee. Of course she always loved to say "when I'm with my friends and they complain about their husbands, I always say my only complaint is I don't have one!" Bullsh!t. I was fine letting her wear the pants or make the decisions because in most cases, I didn't care or want to. Now I see what a huge mistake that is.

So, what do you think the H is going to accomplish by using the WW's list of complaints for his changes? NOTHING!!! No respect = no attraction.

This is where I struggle between doing what she explicitly asks for vs. DBing. In my case it was a list of complaints but she also stated "If we are going to work I need to see you can show up and be vulnerable and not abandon me."

She's not going to write down how she wants a man who doesn't take her cr@p. One who will stand up to her when she gets out of line. One who will make actual decisions on where to eat out or go on vacation, or how to spend their money, discipline the kids......instead of always giving the shot to her to make. A man who takes charge in the bedroom.......instead of silently and resentfully waiting for her to decide when they can have sex again (and you know what I mean). She wants him to stop his passivity and act as if he has the spine God meant for men to have. She wants a man who can lead, protect, and provide........and most of all, she wants a man who is stronger than she is and who is not afraid of her! Too many women today are trying to make their H into another female, and that doesn't work well in a heterosexual relationship. I could go on & on, but this is enough to get the picture of the kind of things she won't put on the list, but she'll put something that's more like symptoms related to these root causes.

I've been digging into this as well - the whole masculine/feminine dynamic and realizing how we were out of balance. I was definitely a nice guy but she also didn't like it when I stepped out of that role. I should've pushed the issue, but didn't. I know now not to listen to the words because she's likely not being truthful, whether she knows it or not. We were stuck in a cycle of her wanting me to step up and be closer and at the same time treating me in a way where the last thing I wanted to do was step up and be closer to her. I used to tell her how she would give me the silent treatment or cold shoulder and then get mad and say "WHY AREN'T YOU SUPPORTING ME?!?!?!" or something along those lines and I'd say "because you're pushing me away!" I get it now that she wanted me to ignore it all and just step up and "be a man." But she still takes no responsibility for her actions and doesn't see how she also contributed to our situation.

She'll say she needs more time together, maybe even more intimacy, dates or romance. But guess what? None of these changes bring about attraction if the H has those unattractive and unmanly traits that we often see in those with NGS. She's going to lose respect, thus killing the attraction, and he can jump through hoops of fire trying to satisfy her list of complaints, and it will not cause her attraction to return. In fact, some WW's get very frustrated that they don't feel attraction after seeing the H working to change her complaints.

Looking at the last month or two I have seen that attraction coming back from her. And not just because of rose colored glasses, she admitted as much in our last conversations. Which makes this latest betrayal all that much harder to take and more of a last straw for me.

Therefore, whatever the LBH does......should be based on his self respect, first of all. He needs to evaluate whether or not his actions will gleam respect from his W. I'm not talking about whether or not it will please her. Will it cause her to respect him as a man?

I don't care anymore (whether it will cause her to respect me). It is all about me at this point and doing what I want. And not in an a-hole kinda way, in a healthy way that is going to get my self-respect back. My dignity. For the first time in a long time I'm putting myself 1st.