Another LBH (not kinda) pt. 5

[sandi2]

So SD when your stbxw acknowledges your changes and still chooses to sleep with other dudes it’s an attraction thing. It 100 percent isn’t going to come back while you are acting like a scared little boy. 100 percent she can see it and feel it. Once she feels comfortable with OM you will be served. You will tell yourself you did it for your kids or you want to be able to say you tried everything but the truth is you are being passive because of fear.
As Kevin Bacon said in Few Good Men” those are the facts of the case and the facts are irrefutable”.

I agree with LH19 ^^^^^.

I agree on the attraction thing and while she is seeing changes she likes and wants, it isn't enough to make her want to give up the thrill of the OM or dating or whatever. She's like an addict. She knows he won't leave his wife, she knows he is using her, she knows it isn't really going anywhere, but it's forbidden fruit and exciting and she isn't a "wife" or "mom" or any of that other crap.

Yes, she's like a drug addict.

Here's how I see it, FWIW. If it's a case where the W is fed up with a loser husband and hands him a list of all her complaints, maybe he can get his act in gear and save the MR. I tend to think this happens more in line of a walk away wife who usually has more legit reasons for wanting to leave her H. Usually, it's due to him being a lousy H. It may be abuse, neglect, criminal, addiction issues, having an affair, or whatever is normally defined as legit reasons. In other words, he usually did something that earned her disrespect and she left. On the other hand, if it's a case where the W has developed a wayward mindset and feels no attraction/desire for him that's a different animal, b/c it's her fault, so to speak. She feels no attraction b/c she no longer respects him. However, her loss of respect is due to him basically being the weaker spouse. I mean, she wears the pants in the relationship. Her negative attitude breeds resentment, selfishness, sense of entitlement, disrespect, rebellion, cold heart, etc. Her reasons for wanting out of the M usually has a secret agenda attached, like pursuing an affair, or engaging in a GGW lifestyle. I'm not saying her H is totally innocent in the downfall of the MR, but it's too long to go into everything here. If you don't understand, please feel free to ask what I mean.

So, what do you think the H is going to accomplish by using the WW's list of complaints for his changes? NOTHING!!! No respect = no attraction.

She's not going to write down how she wants a man who doesn't take her cr@p. One who will stand up to her when she gets out of line. One who will make actual decisions on where to eat out or go on vacation, or how to spend their money, discipline the kids......instead of always giving the shot to her to make. A man who takes charge in the bedroom.......instead of silently and resentfully waiting for her to decide when they can have sex again (and you know what I mean). She wants him to stop his passivity and act as if he has the spine God meant for men to have. She wants a man who can lead, protect, and provide........and most of all, she wants a man who is stronger than she is and who is not afraid of her! Too many women today are trying to make their H into another female, and that doesn't work well in a heterosexual relationship. I could go on & on, but this is enough to get the picture of the kind of things she won't put on the list, but she'll put something that's more like symptoms related to these root causes.


You see, it's at the core of every woman to naturally be attracted to these manly traits that come from within the male. That's how she was designed. A lot of women don't like it, but biology is what it is. She won't tell you what she really needs to feel attraction. She's going to talk about the surface stuff. She's going to say something about wanting an understanding H, who shows he cares about her feelings and interested in her daily activities, etc. She wants him to be tender and gentle. While that is true enough, there are times she needs his toughness and strength of character and a man who stands on his integrity & principles to shine through. Now, understand that I'm not suggesting any form of violence whatsoever. So, stay balance when you read this. I'm not talking about an overbearing bully who walks around intimidating his W. I'm a Christian, but I can't stand some guy who thinks he can quote a scripture completely out of context to guilt and brow beat his W into submission (that's another subject for another time). Now, back to her complaints. She'll say she needs more time together, maybe even more intimacy, dates or romance. But guess what? None of these changes bring about attraction if the H has those unattractive and unmanly traits that we often see in those with NGS. She's going to lose respect, thus killing the attraction, and he can jump through hoops of fire trying to satisfy her list of complaints, and it will not cause her attraction to return. In fact, some WW's get very frustrated that they don't feel attraction after seeing the H working to change her complaints. It's b/c neither of them are working on the root problem.

Therefore, whatever the LBH does......should be based on his self respect, first of all. He needs to evaluate whether or not his actions will gleam respect from his W. I'm not talking about whether or not it will please her. Will it cause her to respect him as a man? I like to think that most men start their MR wanting to make the W happy, b/c after all, he's in love, right? The problem is when they think that handing over their own b@lls will accomplish a happy MR. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've heard guys question why girls fall for the bad boy types. It's not that she actually wants someone who is truly a bad person, but she's attracted to how he doesn't take cr@p from others, especially her, and she sees the manliness in how he conducts himself with her and others, how he takes charge in situations, etc.