She's OUT! #7

[sandi2]

I can't say whether or not she actually cares how you feel, but at least be aware about how much *you* care about how much *she* cares. The less you care, the easier it will be to detach, to be confident in yourself, to set and enforce appropriate boundaries, and to avoid falling into NGS tendencies (which your W likely expects you to do).

If she is truly sorry for the pain she's caused, then I believe her actions linked to you will show more respect and less self centeredness. It's hard for me to explain, but I'll try. By the time the WW has OM, and her rebellion is more open, she doesn't see her new life having anything to do with how her LBH feels. She doesn't really tune in on how much suffering he is experiencing. Now, hold on a second and remember her so-called logic has flown the coop some time ago, so what I'm saying will make no sense to the LBH. Her sensitivity key has been shut down, and that's why she doesn't show the same compassion and concern for how all of this affects the children.......or the LBH. Her mindset is that they'll get over it. I think it must be a real problem for the spouse and children to realize everything is truly about "her".

I remember when my H told me that I had not even offered him an apology. I looked at him as if he had lost his mind. When he said something about his pain, I quickly told him in a typical WW tone that this had nothing to do about me setting out to cause him pain. In other words, I was saying, "This has nothing to do with you!" Of course it's a ridiculous statement, but I have read very similar statements other WW's would make. They are that cold, selfish, and disconnected to the feelings of her H. At what point does the WW realize how much pain she caused her LBH? I think some try to show a thin veil of concern, by saying things like your W has recently said to you. However, I don't believe for a second that she is remorseful for her actions. The WW attitude is like, "Well, I'm sorry you got hurt"........or, "I never meant to hurt you, but I suppose it couldn't be helped".......or something else along that line. She may even soften her voice or have a look on her face that suggests she really means it. Here's the thing..........until she goes through her WW journey, so to speak, and can actually feel remorse........it's like she's not capable of really feeling sorry that her H got hurt. Plus, if he calls her out about it.......she will get defensive and start pulling things from the past that she feels justifies her wayward decisions.

So, yeah, just look at it face value b/c if it ever hits her just how much damage she's caused, I think it will be very hard for her to admit to you her regret.........especially if she has moved on with someone else. I was coming to the board every night to get my head screwed on right, and yet, it took almost two years of reading tons of posts from LBH's who had been shredded to pieces by their WW. I was a recovering WW at the time, and I was reading those stories where these LBH's were sharing their pain, and I begin to slowly realize what I put my own H through. The LBH's were telling me things my own H would never say. But remember, it didn't happen until I decided to do the right thing.

I was once asked if every WW went through the same steps or process, like did they have to decide to do the right thing first, before they made changes or felt remorse. It's hard for me to see it any other way, except to say WW's make decisions to end their M, get D, and maybe even marry another man. Some of these gals may never experience remorse, or if they do......their XH never knows about it. So, I won't say their is a definite bullet point step by step process you can use to do determine anything about the WW coming to her senses or on her way to recovery. There are some who never go back to who they were (or portrayed to be) as the person you knew. Whenever there are personality disorders, or any additional issues, it just makes their sitch a bit unique from the other person without mental health issues, physical issues, FOO problems, etc., etc. This subject can get deep, so I'll just leave it there for now.

My advice to all you LBH's who struggle with NGS, is not to give more than face value to anything your WW or XWW says or does that appears good.....normal......or even hopeful. As much as you want to see her former self, it is a process that depends of her free will. It's a choice for her, and it is very hard work (and needs to be hard) to recover from that awful, wayward mindset.

((hugs))