Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

I know you say your H is making progress but its a little hard to tell at this moment. He's been wafting for quite awhile and seems honestly - stuck - whilst still enjoying all the pleasures of a married life.

Is him not having those kind of feelings acceptable for you? And for how long? Perhaps it would be good to think about how long you are will to stand. 2 years is an awfully long time and your MC is adding another 12-18 months??

How is he trying to meet your needs? . What is he doing differently this time? What are you willing to do differently?

Hi Valeska, good to hear from you! I don't think H would deny that part of the reason he is here is because he enjoys the comforts of married life, plus he doesn't want to break up the family. He knows there is a big trade off and that he would have a lot to lose. I do firmly believe that OW is not an attraction right now. The things he has been working through with his IC and how he has opened up to me about their R don't paint a pretty picture. I think he has actually been quite hurt by that R.

I do struggle with him not having feelings, he keeps assuring me he is committed to working on this, and both his IC and MC state this is not a 5-minute fix and will take time for both of us to process the A as well as deal with all the problems that led to our demise before that. 2 years is a long time - 18 months longer than I originally thought I would stand, and I'm still standing...and whilst I seem to have hit this milestone in my head, and my head is sometimes telling me enough is enough and I deserve more, I can also rationalize that it's not been 2 years, it's only been 4 months that I have supposedly had his commitment to working on the M. What I do know with 100% certainty is that there are no more chances.

He is definitely trying. When I ask for emotional support/connection or tell him how certain events/dynamics/patterns make me feel, he has made an effort to address them. He is doing so much to build goodwill and make me feel like I matter. I have asked what he needs from me, what I need to do differently and I don't get much feedback.

You anxiety makes sense because he is consistent on his pattern to go back to OW. How do you break the pattern?

This is exactly what my IC told me this week - I am waiting for the next BD - and whilst it might not be OW, it might simply be a declaration of "I don't know what I want right now, I'm not sure how I feel " - which is how he was at the start of the year. She said intuition = knowledge + experience, and it has happened to me several times before, and I know how awful it feels, and I am waiting for it to happen again. I am struggling to remove myself from that thought cycle. IC talked about trust and how H needs to come back down to my level and help me step up but I really want to explore healing myself, and not being dependent on H to soothe my anxiety. I need to feel that I will be fine without him.

I think it's fine if you go slow to figure this out. I see that he seems to have a pattern where if he feels like you aren't going anywhere, he feels more comfortable and pulls away. And if you assert yourself and say basically, "I'm not putting up with this and I'm out of here," he runs toward you. So the hard question is, why? Does he love you or is he just afraid of losing the comfort of having you there

{{{OG}}} !!!! It's so good to hear from you. I had been wondering about you last summer when you didn't post for a long time. Yes, you have hit on Valeska's point too - H finds comfort and stability in being with me. I am his best companion (ugh, I hate that word....it's so passionless) and he admits he is terrified of S/D. I know he loves me, but I think there is still an element of ILYB. We both know we want and need more and he really does want to get to that place - so do I. If it works, it is the best outcome for all of us - so at least I think now we seem to finally be on the same page we should try and see what is possible for us. It is interesting what you say about your detachment taking you faster to a destination that you were already headed for - that is my worry, that we are just dragging this out, that the end result will be D - right now I honestly don't know. Our M hadn't worked for a long time....but with the right knowledge going forward, could we possibly get to a place of fulfillment? In some ways, I feel we have a real opportunity to hit the M reset button, at a time when in our age group, so many other Ms are going stale.

I have to say it is somehow very comforting to know that you're still in piecing, even if things aren't exactly peachy.

{{{May}}} !!! I have wondered about you so much - I will post on your thread when I get some proper time. Are we in piecing? I still feel that there is too much uncertainty over the M, that I am still grappling sometimes with a stay or go mentality - head vs heart thing. It doesn't seem to matter what I throw at H , he returns to the "I'm committed to working on things". Is that piecing? Neither of us are threatening S or D. H does sometimes say "if things don't work out....", which I find a little unnerving, but it's usually in relation to a reassurance that if things don't work out he can now guarantee that I will never see him with OW.

Dial up to 20,000 feet and stretch out your timeline. Are you OK where you are, right now? Of course not perfect, but are you OK doing what you are doing and moving in the direction you're moving, even not knowing what lies at the end?

Honestly May, I'm not sure if I am OK. I don't know if that is because this month is so, so hard, or because I am scared it wont work out, or something else. IC has made me feel a whole lot better this week - I couldn't understand why I felt so bad when H seems to be listening to what I need - even if he isn't able to give me all of it - plus he feels he has turned a corner with moving on from the A - plus he repeatedly says he is committed to working things out. Yet I still feel so fragile and I didn't understand why. I do feel better since I have spoken to her. I know H has his own issues to work through, and I know this will all take time. I know I need to fill my time better for myself - not so easy as we are still in full lockdown, but there are things I could be doing to help myself more.

That you know it is just you, him and the M. That is such a major step from where you were before, right?

That's the scary bit - we both have a clear perspective - nothing in our forward or peripheral vision to distract us emotionally - we can fully focus on healing and rebuilding. It's an amazing opportunity but it's also a very scary prospect. Is it normal to feel that way?