She's OUT! #7

[sandi2]

As said yesterday I have never really told her I dont want to be friends and/or set any clear boundaries around "us" and she wasnt getting it.

I'm not sure that I'm getting it either.

Though I wish to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and I as if nothing has happen just wont work for me".

I'm not harping or giving a 2x4, I just want to point out something that might be informative for future texting or verbal conversation. When you tell her you want to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and her as if nothing has happen........it might prove to be a bit of a problem. You see, Mumin, your WW needs to understand that everything has changed b/c of her choice to D you. Even having dialogues about the kids should be held in a business or professional style, rather than two old friends kicking back and talking about their kids whenever and no matter how many times per day. I know, I know........Mr. Nice Guy sees no need in being so stiff necked about everything, but then that's why these types of things come back to bite you in the hinny. It's you that looks for reasons to discuss something with her, and you'll be using the kids as a means to open the way to just talk to her. It's her who wants to talk to you also, but for different reasons. As long as she is wayward, she's going to try and take advantage and use every little loophole you put out there. So, in the future, I suggest you refrain from using the expression, "as if nothing has happened". Trust me when I tell you that most WW's would take that one little expression and run with it. Some WW's would have you on the phone all the time. Oh, sure, something might be said about how the kids are doing.......but it quickly gets into each other's personal life.

Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by Mumin
Anyway, I am glad I was clear on a boundary and I'll be glad if she sticks to it for a while.

Why do you care if she sticks to it?

This is a very good question LH! Thank you! Sure made me reflect and you are so right!
I dont care, its my boundary, I will protect it and what she does really shouldn't bother me.

Okay, maybe I missed it, but I don't know what you made clear to her that is your boundary. Are you talking about not having conversations, except when it's about the kids? The second thing is I don't know what you mean by protecting your boundary. Do you mean enforcing it? If she doesn't honor the boundary you stated, what will be the consequences? Have you thought about that part of it?

This whole thing is complex as I want to protect our dialogue around the kids.
This was my first real step since physical separation to also protect myself.

Again, I'm not sure what you mean in the these two sentences. How do you plan to protect the dialogue around the kids? Also, are you talking about when you and XW are speaking to one another in front of the kids, or when the kids are at the other parent's house? B/c you can't control what is said in your XW's house.

I want to say again that this is not a 2x4. Perhaps you will think it's a play on words, and if so, please feel free to tell me. I just want to make sure you are understanding what boundaries are......and how to enforce boundaries. The "protection" should be you protecting your self respect. That is the purpose for having personal boundaries.......to protect your self respect. It's not to control the other person. So, what lengths are you prepared to go?

From what I remember reading in your sitch, your desire to have boundaries, is mostly linked to your children. I'm not sure how that works with co-parenting, b/c wouldn't the couple have to agree to these boundaries? Whereas in personal boundary setting, nobody has to agree b/c it's your boundary. It's about your self respect. Now, there may be another term or definition used in co-parenting, like terms of agreement between the two parents, but as I've said in the past......if you don't like something she's doing that involves the kids, then you practically have to take it to court or you're just spinning your wheels. Maybe some other parents who have gone through similar experiences will speak up about how they handled it.

((hugs))