Another LBH (not kinda) pt. 5

[SteveLW]

Link to the last thread

Recap:
- BD in October
- EA with a past friend turned PA at some point in her trips back home.
- I wasn't emotionally available.
- We set up a nesting schedule, rent an apartment to share, and stay close
- She started using dating apps but still wanted me to "show up"
- I started getting my sh!t together and GAL which she noticed and shows signs of turning back
- Tells me the EA/OM is over
- We start spending more time together and having some genuine moments of connection
- She has a trip planned to the desert to have a break due to her working 12+ hour days for 2 months
-I come back from a trip to the coast with oldest son and see on her computer a chat left open w/OM
-She is planning on seeing him on her trip, she says she loves him, all that good stuff.
- I lose my sh!t. Leave the house before she gets back and send her a message saying I'm done and she should just stay in the apartment when she gets back
- She keeps trying to get in touch with me but I don't respond
- We finally talk via messenger because I won't see her in person.
- She tells me how she sees all my changes, the OM isn't the one for her, she wants me to keep the door open, she knows I'm the better man for her, but she can't trust me because I hurt her in the past
- She also still can't see how she contributed to me closing up in the past other than her sickness
- I tell her I can't change the past and if she can't either deal with it or see how I have changed then there's nothing I can do
- She says I am like a "zombie" to her right now, revived from the dead and she doesn't know how to deal with it
- I get angry, say lots of stuff, call bullsh!t on lots of her arguments, say I won't share her, and that I have been the only one working on "us" and I'm done being the only one paddling the canoe

So here we are. She's gone. We have had 1 conversation that was purely about logistics with kids. I'm alternating between anger, pain, rage, and soul crushing sadness. As usual I throw myself into reading and research and determined to nobody's surprise that I am very co-dependent and have been in all my relationships. I guess I always knew it but I watched a video and it was like listening to a fortune teller I have never met telling me everything about me and something unlocked inside me. During all of this, and during tough times in the past, I argue with myself about why I am putting up with it all? Why am I not throwing her sh!t out on the street, getting angry, allowing her to hurt me over and over again, and being "ok" with her being on dating apps while we are supposedly working on each other. I knew it was nuts, but I did it and EVEN NOW there's a part of me that is still going "yeah, but...." which is insane. But looking at it from a co-dependent perspective it makes sense. I have lost my identity and my self to her and as much as I have grown, I haven't gotten it back yet. And nothing will change until I do.

She didn't have to leave, at least legally in most jurisdictions. You could have asked her to leave. I am not a fan of nesting, as it plays right into the WS' desire to have their cake and eat it too. "Yeay I get to play house for a week, then go be single and party for a week!"

My question now is about moving forward. I have stated I will not be going back to the apartment again and that there is nothing there for me. I told her to just stay there but she got upset saying I am not going to take the kids from her and since the apartment is just a studio, the kids can't stay there with her. I say that is not my intention to keep the kids from her, just that I won't be going back. We left it at that for now. I have no intention of going back or not sleeping in my own bed unless I am going on a trip of my own. Do I just stay at the house with her during "her" weeks with the kids until the lease is up for the apartment (end of May) and do my own thing during those times? That seems super-awkward and a huge temptation to backslide depending on the circumstance. I've heard good/bad about IHS and this would be like a partial IHS. Curious on anyone's thoughts or suggestions.

IHS is not easy. Not going to lie. I think it is worse if your WS/WAS is in an active PA. I would recommend moving back in and keeping the MBR. Telling her she will need to sleep somewhere else. I did IHS, and tried to stay as busy as I could (GAL), which helped. When I struggled was when I did GAL poorly.

For me, I am hiring a local life coach to go along with me IC to help get me moving forward and also a personal trainer. Putting jiu-jitsu on hold for now (rib still hurts) and instead just going to work with someone to get me physically healthy. I've lost 30lbs over the past 5 months but have plateaued and need that extra kick in the butt at this point to push it further. Also going back on the wagon as I could tell once Dry January was over and I started drinking again that I lost a lot of ground that I had gained.

Good stuff here. I highly encourage you to stop drinking all together. Though I am biased (former alcoholic). But it is just too easy to not be in your right mind and do and say things that will hurt your sitch. DBing sober is difficult enough.

Thanks for reading my novel and as usual thanks for all the support and help.

Keep working! You've got this!