Following up from my other post

[SteveLW]

Thanks everyone for the messages. Sorry about the delayed response....it takes some strength to come back here and I want to make sure I can be stronger and clearer for myself and out of respect for all of you...




Everyone in this thread and people around me are saying one of 2 things.

1) Let go, respect her and her decision.

J, what else can you do? You have no control over her. Lots of LBSs struggle with this, "I want to fight for my marriage, but am being told that I have to let them go!" It is kind of like when you aren't hungry and people try to get you to eat. Ever happen to you? You: "I just ate." Other person: "Come on, eat some of this I just made." It annoys you and the more they push the less you feel like eating. That is your WAW right now. She is full and you are trying to feed her. Your ONLY choice is to back off, let go, and let her make her decision. She may decide to keep walking away....or she may decide to come back (more on that below). Regardless, no matter what you do or say won't change that decision. But what you do or say can cause her to run the other way even faster.

(she talked about buying a house and last night during a baby sitter interview she mentioned how further down the road we will begin to talk to Poppy about why mommy and daddy don't live together.)

Ok, this seems like something that would need to be done. I am assuming this triggered you?

The first is hard for me, I just don't know how to let go of being in love with her AND when I see her AND when she send me text messages outside of picture of our daughter like this morning I get so confused:
(Picture of a vintage sweater with the text "Mom found this baller sweater I used to wear 😂"

Again, what other choice do you have? You either let go (metaphorically), or you wrap your arms around her ankle for dear life as she walks away (metaphorically).

And yes, WASs/WWs are very confusing. Just when we think they have no desire to be with us, they'll do or say something that makes us think "Hmmm, maybe they wan to stay!" The problem isn't her behavior (which you have no control over) the problem is how you react to it. You should still assume she is walking out that door and not looking back and act accordingly.

She only likes my social media posts that have to do with our daughter, never any of my personal ones.

A bit of a 2x4 here.. WHO GIVES A CRAP?!? Seriously, you are letting whether someone clicks like or not on certain social media posts? Are you for real? I never understood this. I've seen friends and family have falling outs over someone NOT liking a post someone else posted. It is so ridiculous I can't even believe that we have to have this discussion.

You really should do yourself a favor and delete (or suspend if that is too much) your account. You will be so much better off going through this if you stay off of social media. (And you can spare me the excuses why you can't do that....I've heard them all.)

I really think she is conflicted AND she is the most stubborn person I know. I feel her conviction to be unattached. I believe she was working on herself shortly after she left the house and has begun her deeper healing work - and so am I.

LBSs always say this. "He/she is so stubborn they'll NEVER change their minds!" Really? So standing up in front of witnesses and God and pledging their life-long commitment to you and you MR wasn't enough for their stubbornness to kick in and say they were never changing their mind? If they changed their mind about being married, they can change it again to remaining married.

I typically get real spun out when I relive the past AND now I know of someone that wants to date her - which is really getting me spiraling

Focus on what you can control. This is not it. Even if she leaves you and never dates again, but never comes back to you, that doesn't change anything right? And if she does date or even remarry, the bottom line is she still isn't with you. You are focusing on something that may or may not ever happen, and even if it did there is nothing you can do about it. Focus on what you can control which leads us too......

2) Focus 100% on me (and not really mentioning anything about her other than people change their minds sometimes)

I am making good strides here. I'm learning how to emotionally regulate myself. I'm learning to start to envision a love that I want to create in the future, irregardless of who it is with.

I hope you are right because the first half of this post was NOT at all reflective of you making good strides here. Worried about what she says to babysitters, what she likes on SM, that she might date in the future.....none of that is focusing 100% on you.

ALL that being said: This break up has been a gift as I wouldn't have been able to access my shame, my addictions (to things on the internet) my anxiety, giving away my power, self regulation and putting that responsibility on to someone else and my low level anxiety.

I like this a lot. This is where you should be focused. Becoming the best person you can be. Regardless of what she decides. And patterning your behaviors around this. Getting off of SM. Committing to IC one a week. Reading as many self-help books that you can. GAL and staying busy. Typing the above paragraph without the behaviors to back it up is meaningless. Organize your life around it!

Lastly, I've learned so much over the past 2 months about myself and relationships. Despite the biggest piece (#1) I do see myself as a really different man who is continuing to grow. I literally do feel like a different man.

Remember, organisms are either growing....or dead. Never stop growing!

Conflicted in what I sense.
Conflicted with how to let go of the desire.
Learning how to accept her decision (perhaps this is the pre-cursor to accepting all of her if we reconcile).

When you stop focusing on her the conflict in what you sense will ease.
When you focus on yourself the conflict on letting go of desire will ease.
When you focus on you then you will learn to accept her decision, regardless of what it is.

The part about her traveling more often and allowing her to take my daughter for long extended periods of time hurts (missing my daughter) AND I'm willing to do it because I care about the connection between her mom and my daughter AND I'm hoping she sees this as a positive thing and that gets reflected on to me AND she sees how I value family.

DROP EXPECTATIONS. You do this because it is the right thing to do, regardless of how it "hurts". But hoping to score brownie points by "letting" her travel is Nice Guy Syndrome stuff. Something to work on.

I did make a mistake this weekend - her sister sent me some photos of the birthday party that they held for her and I tapped back hearts all the photos....then I reply "I miss you guys and I wish I was there"

Not sure this is a mistake as much as it shows how attached you still are. A simple thank you would have sufficed. Remember, the less you say the better.

In 2 weeks our daughter will be 2.
We fought the day before she turned one, I was badly hurt and I decided not to hang out with them the morning of the birthday. In retrospect I feel so much regret, so much.....I'm almost in tears.....
Now my ex is having a birthday party with her friends who are flying here next week - my ex invited me.....
1- I'm torn whether to go or not....
2- I go and I was thinking of having my own party for our daughter later in the day and whether I should invite her and her friends
3- I don't go.....

It is your daugther's b-day. Go. And that doesn't mean you can't have your own party for your daughter later that day. I would NOT invite her and her friends. Maybe invite her, but very casually. Something like 'I am having another small party for her this evening for my family and friends. You are welcome to attend." And leave it at that. No expectations. No "she likes me!" if she comes, and no "it is the end of the world!" if she doesn't.

-J

Keep working, you will get through this!