I think it's fine if you go slow to figure this out. I see that he seems to have a pattern where if he feels like you aren't going anywhere, he feels more comfortable and pulls away. And if you assert yourself and say basically, "I'm not putting up with this and I'm out of here," he runs toward you. So the hard question is, why? Does he love you or is he just afraid of losing the comfort of having you there.
I did this limbo life with my H for four years, and we are getting divorced. Part of me regrets the time, and part of me doesn't because I can say I did everything I could. So how long do you want to do this? You may not have the answer right now, but just think about it. I don't want you to betray yourself or pretzel yourself to make someone else comfortable.
I took a break in the last year and pulled back from him and really worked on myself. I mean really. I worked on building my sense of self-worth, of trying to figure out what my future looked like for me whether I was married or not. I read a lot. Love Addiction by Pia Mellody was huge. I followed her plan for six months to break any need to be with him so I could then decide if I wanted to be with him. In the end, he decided to file. I do not believe it is because I stopped trying so hard. I think it pushed us faster to the place it was going anyway. I stopped putting up with his behavior. I really saw some things I had avoided seeing. He refused to stop working with her. I realized that his need to work with her (whether for fear of hurting her or because he didn't want his business hurt) came before making things right with me. Came before my needs. So even though this is hard, I know I am going to be okay.
I want you to be able to love yourself and take care of yourself and your needs. But even before that, to know what your needs are. What are your dealbreakers? What is the point where you would rather be alone than live a certain way?
I'm sorry Pommy. Much love to you. You are courageous and strong and kind and wonderful.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
