One foot in front of the other

[DnJ]

Hi El

Oh, I like less victim and more able minded. I can totally see myself using that phrase.

H seems confused for the need for the agreement about funds he's spent

Of course he did. Lol.

He has the attention span of a gnat right now. He is off in La La Land running around with fairies and unicorns. Things like bills and money and fair equitable splitting of martial asset and bank accounts is not on his radar.

he feels so justified in his behavior and how being separated is supposed to be for me (somehow supposed to protect me from being hurt any more)

Yep. Part of the script they tell us. And sadly, and more importantly, they tell themselves. They actually believe it! Remember emotional crisis; H needs to believe it. Otherwise he leaving a great gal and family for ... what again... yeah that would be hard to face. Hence the running is multi-fold.

He would love it if you would just go along with his narrative. Do not fall for it! Protect yourself. Know your rights. Ensure you see a L and ask lots of questions. See what you are entitled to, what the default outcome is (the worst case), what the likely outcome is, what rights and monies you can waive, what rights you cannot waive, what you are willingly to wave or negotiate away, and what you are willing to fight tooth and nail for.

H tries to tell me that he will be fair and honest to me, and I had to point out that I don't trust a thing he tells me.

Good do not believe him.

Actions vs words. Have his actions been honourable? Then how likely is it that he will follow through with what he says. Besides, he might have actually meant it when he said it, however everything is emotionally based for him and his feelings will flit away and so will his commitment to that promise (vow).

They will promise and swear on the souls of their children that there is no affair or cheating - and then get caught. Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

But.... listen to what he says. A person in emotional turmoil can’t help themselves and they drop lots of clues. They are rather smug and feel good about themselves taking charge of their life and feel that nothing will ever go wrong, and they get quite flippant and open about content they probably should not speak about. This doesn’t last for too long, but while it does if you remain quiet and non confrontational they will spill the beans. They really cannot help themselves. (Caveat, this is not true for those that are very angry and start off that way. Your H is calmer; heck he is currently visiting you. Say nothing. No pressure.)

My XW would come back from her L and tell me about her meeting. It was so bizarre. Here she is working to divorce me and she is seeking my input and complaining to me about her L and the financial planners he made her see, the psychologist, the doctor, and such.

Remember the two main hallmarks of MLC are depression and confusion. The confusion is from the two, or more, lives pushing inside them. Eventually most choose the easy path and totally commit to the running. The confusion goes deep within them and they seldom will show it anymore. Of course, one cannot run from themselves; and in the darkness of night, laying still in their bed, with no distractions of delights to run too, they recall a past life which somehow superimposed upon the current one(s). Such is the outcome of choosing such an immoral path. Depression and sleep deprivation are very common among those in crisis. Their physical appearance and health takes a terrible beating; gray circles under the eyes, they age like a decade while they try to regain their youth. Perhaps you have notice such things.

Some advice. Do not tell him you don’t trust him. That will not do you any benefit. To date, it’s ok, what’s done is done. And your got to say your piece. H knows and there is no point in telling him again and again. That advice of non repetition goes for lots of things. For example, telling him you love him, or that you don’t want a D, and such. He’s heard it, he knows it. Our words will not change their mind, because they are in an emotional crisis. It is pressure and they will bolt.

By the sounds of things H doesn’t see the need to discuss monies already spent, I am wondering if you might need financial protection rather sooner than later. Consider that, with a business-like mind and attitude. Perhaps your locale has separation before divorce. That is how it is here in my locale. One must be separated for at least one year before divorcing. The separation is basically a divorce agreement - money and kids and how to split them. If so, a separation would be an easier path to get an agreement with (maybe). It gives protection and security without divorcing.

Most MLCers or WAS have a period when their guilt prompts them to offer better deals then later once they are more entrenched in their new wonderful lives. Again, not the right off the bat angry type. Those are just a battle from day one. My XW was the opposite end of the spectrum, she gave away everything - sole custody of kids, money, house, pension, cars. So weird and strange to see someone so sad and troubled that they throw their entire life away. Their. Entire. Life. Up to that point, tossed away.

So, no more telling H you don’t trust him. Listen lots and say little. A pretty common thing to do is to drink the STFU smoothie whenever you feel like saying something, especially if it is snarky. (STFU - if you can’t figure it out Shut The ___ Up. Lol. OH my goodness, I drank a lot of those during my XW’s “visits”.)

Do you have bank records? Account balances? Credit cards figured out? Mortgage paperwork? Etc. I recall this all being suggested previously in your thread and I believe you have looked after it. Just encouraging you and confirming that is the correct course for you, even if it feels wrong.

H says he want to file D. Hmmm. Words. Not actions. What to believe?

Answer: Yourself.

You follow your path. If you need protection then do it. If you can wait, and you want too (even if you don’t quite feel like it ), then do that.

H might change his gnat-like mind regarding divorce. In fact most flip and flop an incredible number of times, like thousands of times, hoping that we will take the ball and run with it. They are guilty and do not want to be seen as the bad guy. It’s a pretty irrational path they are on, so don’t worry when it doesn’t make sense. It mostly doesn’t make sense to them either. And they’re living it!

How are you doing? Do you feel detached still? Somewhat? You are further along than you feel, as odd as that sounds. One’s feelings take time to catch up, which seems weird when discussing the very detachment of feelings. It has to do with the fact that feelings are reactive. Beliefs are proactive, leading, inspiring.

A topic for another post, another day. I believe I’ve taken up more than enough of your thread. Lol.

Have a great evening my dear. I’m thinking about you.

D