Reconciliation Rollercoaster (part 5)

[Pommy99]

Hello DBers….it's been a while!

I didn't intentionally stop posting....but a bunch of things happened in succession and I just didn't feel in the right headspace to share it all.

The last time I posted, the story as we knew it (mid Oct) was that H and I had been trying to reconcile for 3 months. He hadn't seen EAP for over 6 months. In mid Sept I caught him texting her after she had contacted him (supposedly after several months of no contact) to tell him she had cancer. H was reluctant to go NC with her given her diagnosis but eventually broke contact 2 weeks later. Some of that story as we knew it was BS.

In a nutshell, this is what happened since
- Mid-Oct - we all got Covid
- End Oct - H asked me to put my rings back on
- BD mid November - affair relapse - H and OW were caught emailing (intimately) by her H. I asked H to leave.
- H begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance. ILY, and I AM ILWY, etc. I took some time on this
- Pre-Xmas - H opened up and shared a lot about the A, wanted a fresh start for the M, but also became ambivalent as A withdrawal hit
- Post-Xmas - H seriously grieving, very depressed
- H now in IC and feeling happier, NC with OW since Nov BD, H's commitment to trying is high. Still missing the 'in love' piece of the R
- Pommy??? Good days/bad days, no idea how this is going to pan out.

In more detail:
Covid - we all got off lightly, fortunately. I felt more tired than anything, and the second week very depressed - that was probably more to do with H than Covid

Rings - went out for dinner to celebrate end of our quarantine - H asked me to put my rings on. The next day we had a fantastic day out and we chose a beautiful gift for my forthcoming birthday

Bomb Drop - H told me he'd been in contact with OW, to find out how her treatment was going. He said this was about 3-4 weeks prior (while we had Covid) and they'd messaged for about a week. I was angry and upset that he'd reneged on NC. I later took his phone and looked at his sent mail. There was an email trail from the day before - they'd got caught by her H. OW blamed H for her getting caught out. Her H was going to send me the emails. I asked H what the h3ll was going on, what was in the emails - apparently ILY, sexual things. I told H I was insulted that he felt worthy of wearing his wedding ring - he promptly took it off. That night, I asked him to leave, that he was not a H to me. The following day he asked me if I still felt the same. Yes I still felt the same. He was pretty distraught, said he would break contact with OW immediately. I was calm and told him I didn't care if he rode off into the sunset with her. It was too late, they were welcome to each other. Later, he showed me a txt - he'd told OW he'd told me everything and he arranged to call her that afternoon. Told me he was going to end all contact. I just shrugged and said do what you need to do, it doesn't affect me. He went out to call her and came back and sent her a follow-up text in front of me to say that he wouldn't be contacting her again and didn't want to hear from her again. I just shrugged again. At that point I think he felt he'd lost everything - me, his family, his home - and OW.

I was calm but I felt decisive. The next day he pleaded with me to give him another chance - to think about what I would be giving up. I just shook my head - he'd gone and risked everything and now wanted me to think about what I would be giving up. He was a mess - breaking down etc.

In the midst of the calmness I felt this immense loss. I saw myself standing there with a massive hole right through my body where he had ripped my heart out. The pain was incredible.

Over the coming days H started to show some remorse and humility that I hadn't seen before. He talked about his shame, the pain he'd caused, how he hated himself, how he wanted to find his moral compass again, to be of value to me, to prove he could be a good husband. We talked more openly and he told me a huge amount that I hadn't known before. That not being in contact from June-Sep was a lie, that in Sept they had been emailing that they missed each other back then. I asked him where he had wanted the R with her to go, what did he think was going to happen when I found out. He said he thought I would always be there. We explored some A articles and he finally began to relate to the concept of limerence, addiction, relapse. That being in contact with her every few weeks was a dopamine fix. He talked about the fact that he knew he didn't like her that much, that he'd glossed over all her faults, when she replied it made him anxious, she made him feel bad about himself, that she was manipulative and controlling, yet at the same time she'd been the one to pull him out of a hole when him and I were in our worst place, and being in contact with her gave him a lift. It made sense but it didn't excuse his choices or the way he had treated me.

My birthday was approaching - I told H that I did not want the gift as it would always remind me of a time that he cheated on me. H wanted to reframe it as representing a fresh start for the both of us.

In the run up to Xmas, as I started to lean in, H started to lean out again. A month had passed - at this point he would usually have been in contact with OW again - he was suffering withdrawal and I was completely without trust . H was adamant that he didn't want to walk that path again, but was clearly not in a happy place. I didn't want to make any decisions before Xmas for the sake of the children.

In the NY H got himself an IC. He was incredibly depressed. Things felt very unstable and I felt very insecure. H was ambivalent and could not commit to the M. But he would commit to "trying" to make it work. I struggled with this concept

As Jan wore on, my feelings started to change towards H. We were closer, more intimate - but I'd been in that place before. I was frightened of my feelings and vulnerability but at the same time I enjoyed how it felt. H was still all over the place and swung between loving and affectionate to unsure about our future. The ILYs were rare but he started to talk more about the future, and things that would involve the both of us. Feb was calm and H seemed to make real progress with IC. We've had a few blow ups which have been reminiscent of old dynamics - not good - but we are learning to deal with them better.

Where we are now is that H is completely in a place where he accepts and understands that it is going to take time for his feelings to return for me - if they ever do. He is committed to making it work - but that's not the same as re-committing to the M. He is driving this, he says he wants this. We have read articles and talked with our MC that seem to indicate that it takes time for feelings to come back, and it's normal for those to be missing for many months, and to expect 12-18 months before being in a place of being able to fully commit. That's the bit I struggle with. Save 2 weeks in Nov, I haven't worn my rings the whole 9 months that we have been reconciling. Of course for me, I am already 2 years into this journey since BD, so every passing month where we are not where I want us to be is like a ticking time bomb.

I don't know if we will ever get there. I don't know if we will ever get beyond being good companions and find passion between us - it's been missing for so long. For a long time I wanted to save this M on principle, for my kids, for fear, as well as feeling that I loved H. Now that we are getting to know and understand each other better, I realise that I am capable of loving him so much more deeply. That scares me, and at times I think it is pushing me backwards - when I don't get what I crave from the R, the security, the deep love, I feel anxious and my walls go up. I feel scared to love and be vulnerable - it's not a good place to be.

In the last week or 2 H has talked about turning a corner in regard to OW, that he can see that he was grieving and that he is now moving through that. The good feelings she invoked are being nullified by the realization that she wasn't always nice to him and that his early doubts about her were right. I do feel she is firmly in the rear view mirror....which means it's now simply me, H and our M.

H talks about the future, he is trying so, so hard to meet my needs. Yet I feel so anxious and I don't know what it is that I need that would make that go away. I know a large part of it is uncertainty - and he cant give me that. I know the romance and passion isn't flowing and I wonder if we'll ever be able to recreate that. This month is hard and I do feel very down - 2 yr anniversary of BD, 1 yr anniversary of H moving out, H's B'day - in which OW played a huge part (sabotaged) the last 2 years. And finally, our wedding anniversary - I don't even know how to deal with an anniversary. I restart IC tomorrow.