Thanks everyone for the messages. Sorry about the delayed response....it takes some strength to come back here and I want to make sure I can be stronger and clearer for myself and out of respect for all of you...
Everyone in this thread and people around me are saying one of 2 things.
1) Let go, respect her and her decision.
(she talked about buying a house and last night during a baby sitter interview she mentioned how further down the road we will begin to talk to Poppy about why mommy and daddy don't live together.)
The first is hard for me, I just don't know how to let go of being in love with her AND when I see her AND when she send me text messages outside of picture of our daughter like this morning I get so confused: (Picture of a vintage sweater with the text "Mom found this baller sweater I used to wear 😂"
She only likes my social media posts that have to do with our daughter, never any of my personal ones.
I really think she is conflicted AND she is the most stubborn person I know. I feel her conviction to be unattached. I believe she was working on herself shortly after she left the house and has begun her deeper healing work - and so am I.
I typically get real spun out when I relive the past AND now I know of someone that wants to date her - which is really getting me spiraling
2) Focus 100% on me (and not really mentioning anything about her other than people change their minds sometimes)
I am making good strides here. I'm learning how to emotionally regulate myself. I'm learning to start to envision a love that I want to create in the future, irregardless of who it is with.
ALL that being said: This break up has been a gift as I wouldn't have been able to access my shame, my addictions (to things on the internet) my anxiety, giving away my power, self regulation and putting that responsibility on to someone else and my low level anxiety.
Lastly, I've learned so much over the past 2 months about myself and relationships. Despite the biggest piece (#1) I do see myself as a really different man who is continuing to grow. I literally do feel like a different man.
Conflicted in what I sense. Conflicted with how to let go of the desire. Learning how to accept her decision (perhaps this is the pre-cursor to accepting all of her if we reconcile).
The part about her traveling more often and allowing her to take my daughter for long extended periods of time hurts (missing my daughter) AND I'm willing to do it because I care about the connection between her mom and my daughter AND I'm hoping she sees this as a positive thing and that gets reflected on to me AND she sees how I value family.
I did make a mistake this weekend - her sister sent me some photos of the birthday party that they held for her and I tapped back hearts all the photos....then I reply "I miss you guys and I wish I was there"
In 2 weeks our daughter will be 2. We fought the day before she turned one, I was badly hurt and I decided not to hang out with them the morning of the birthday. In retrospect I feel so much regret, so much.....I'm almost in tears..... Now my ex is having a birthday party with her friends who are flying here next week - my ex invited me..... 1- I'm torn whether to go or not.... 2- I go and I was thinking of having my own party for our daughter later in the day and whether I should invite her and her friends 3- I don't go.....
